The Endings

I find that reading the end of a story is more interesting. If you found out that it's a happy ending, you would want to read the rest of the story. If it's sad, then reading how it happened will be the next step. If the ending is somewhat strange or confusing, well that's one reason not to continue reading the whole book. But I like reading endings even if it does break the excitement.
For me, endings are more exciting than you think.

It's good for us that we don't know how we will all end. I read in a book somewhere that death is a prologue to life. It's good that we have no idea what will happen when we die. For us, living each day is more exciting than finding out the end of a life. Even now that we are alive, we wonder what will happen after we die.

A Letter

You...

You think it's easy being me. Wearing this gilded mask of gold with a curved smile, showing off to everyone how great I am not being with you. But we are not in a masquerade anymore, and this mask is too heavy a burden to hide what I really want you to see. Still, my own pride would not let me stoop down to a level so low as yours: showing everyone that you are the one hurting and it is I that should take the step to close this chapter once and for all.

No. Not anymore. I've given you so many chances and not once did you even try to make it up to me. I have had it with your cold goodbyes and nonchalant conversations. This time, I don't care anymore.

I read somewhere that future happiness is far better than reminiscing old memories. I've wondered and looked back hundreds of times to those thoughts of you. My head is already so full of "what-could-have-beens" and I think I should let it rest now. Thinking of you won't make you come back. You're just a memory, a past persona, and I've held on to you long enough. I've said goodbye to my past and I welcome the new love and happiness that awaits me this year. I am looking forward to that.

How about you? I guess I shouldn't wonder anymore what will happen to you. You seem to be doing just fine and we'll keep it at that. I can't let my mind wander to your memories. I've already traded them for something greater, something a lot more worthit, and I don't have to shed my tears for it.

So let this be a goodbye. I've closed the chapter on my side. I've locked the door and gave the key to my keeper. I once said goodbye is never easy... somehow this seems to be the quickest one I've ever done yet. Farethee well...

The Papa John's Center Kids

We hosted a kiddie party as our Christmas party for USAP this year. I'm attaching here the video taken where the kids rendered us a song as thanks for that party we gave them. It was so much fun being with those children... they are all so sweet and you can feel that they wanted to be hugged and loved all the time. I'm glad I was able to spend one Saturday with them.

We are always reminded that it is always better to give... and whatever it is that you have given, you will receive a thousand fold more...

Scene 1

Scene 1

"your smile is that sunshine that makes me open my eyes every morning. and your kiss in the moonlight is what makes my dreams sweet."

she opened her eyes and saw that the sun has barely risen. her phone sits beside her and saw that she was too early for her alarm. this scene seems familiar... something that have happened so many times before, where waking up was so easy when she sees a special message on her phone. she closed her eyes and she remembers the best time she's had with him. "thinking about it won't make him come back." she said to herself. she sat on her bed and started looking for something to write on. words seemed to be flowing endlessly in her mind and all she had to do now was to grab them and put on paper.

so she did.. but somehow she didn't know how to start it. it started out as a poem, then a prose.. but she found that she had already started writing a letter to him.

"foolish, foolish little man. you took my heart and put it in your box, buried it somewhere. I thought you had wanted to keep it for good. but then you ran away and you LIED. i wish you hadn't kissed me, i wish i hadn't made that promise to you. i have a lot to un-wish for but i can't take anything back. no... i don't think getting those memories and those smiles, those hugs and kisses back would be mean anything. but there's only one thing i truly wish for... i wish you'll just come back..."

"weird." she read her work over. she sighed and continue daydreaming. she flipped through her notes and saw the line she wrote over a year ago. a line that supposed to be the beginning of a poem. the line that she only dedicated for him. the line that means how much she had wanted to be with him. the line that means she misses him so. the very line that made her realize that she had loved him ever since.

and with that line.. her tears started to fall.

Soon

White clouds spell out your name
The wind echoes your song
Everytime the clock looks the same
The seconds are ticking too long

Hours I've spent waiting
Hoping you'd be here sooner
Good thing I love writing
Poems and prose on paper

The calendar counts its days
I'm thinking what else to do
Writing our names in so many ways
Wishing just to be with you

I hope time can run faster
Then it would be just fine
The sooner this week would be over
The sooner you would be mine

(reposting a poem I wrote on August 9, 2007. This is also titled: No I Don't Miss You At All. I wrote this especially for someone special when the times were easy, happy, and I fell so hopelessly in love with him. I hope he remembers this..)

Waiting

You're taking too long but I don't mind.
Waiting for you is a habit already. I'm trying to keep myself busy
but still, it's okay. I don't mind waiting for you. But there are times
I just can't understand what's taking you too long for you
to be here, to decide which right words to say, to decide what you will do,
to decide to move on or to let go. Still, I'm right here where you know I will be.
Just waiting until I see you, to hear from you again, to touch you,
to be close to you again. Even when sometimes I find myself
getting too tired (painful even) to wait, I still haven't moved
from my place. I'm still right here. Waiting.

(reposting a prose I wrote on March 25, 2008)

A Wall

A wall
Brick by brick, you and I
put each one in place
In the process
Still catching a glimpse
of each other.

Piece by piece, you and I
create a barrier
the words we don't say
form the blocks in our hands
our conversation masterpiece
is the wall in between.

Block by block, you and I
put them on top of each other
Unspoken feelings made it stronger
And I myself
glue them with tears.

Between us, a wall
that will be stronger
as we walk away from each other.

(reposting a poem I made last August 5, 2008)

Popping the Question

Pop!
There it goes.
All you said was a question
I thought it was a lie.
All I did was laugh.
All you did was smile.

Pop!
For a moment I was
blank
I don't think it was a joke.
So I need to ask the question
again
I had to take a
better look

Is it a good laugh?
Is that a surprise smile?
Was it a Yes,
Or was it a No?
Maybe I should't
have done so..

Pop!
And the surprise
Finally came.

Tonight I Won't Write The Saddest Lines

Tonight I won't write the saddest lines
Instead I will write on the longing
I saw in your eyes
As you looked at me for the last time.

Tonight I won't write the saddest line
Of how sad it must've felt when I said
goodbye
For I will just say, "It's not yet our time."
You and I are two butterflies
Dancing freely in the garden of life.

Tonight I will not write the saddest lines
As our story is not over
For two lovers who fell apart
Will find themselves walking down
the same road again
Holding each other's hand.

Tonight I won't write the saddest line
Not of how weak I felt when we parted
But I will say instead that I found strength
to let go
Even as I watched you walk away.

Tonight I won't write the saddest lines
As hope is seen in these words
When someday we'll find ourselves
loving each other again.

Love Much

I'm taking the suggestion/advise of two of my friends. What they said makes perfect sense and I think this is where the "love wisely" idea will start. The two Anna's in my life said that I should just be with the one who loves me more. You see, it's always just me who falls head over heels in love with someone and then in the end, I find myself getting my heartbroken because of my stupidity and believing every word or promise they say. I've had enough of that so I chose to love wisely this time. One of the Anna's said that in time, I'll find myself loving that person and that it would be good. It means I don't have to rush myself to fall.

I said before falling in love is one crazy trip on a roller coaster. I think I'll stay away from that at the moment. It's fun to fall in love but there would come a point in your life that you will have to learn to love wisely and or else you'll just "fall apart" instead of "fall in love"

Reposting: Just Like This

Can I just say it? Can we just stay like this? You and I don't know each other anymore. We have but one definition of ourselves:

FRIENDS. That's right. We're just friends.

But what if there's something more than that? I don't know. I'm not even sure myself. That's why I'd rather we stay like this. Me knowing I have these feelings for you, while you don't know what you feel. But for your sake, I won't admit it. I'll hush up and keep it to myself. You'll still see me smile, laugh, be witty and would share alot of experience on life. I'll be like that because that's how you understand me.

What if, it's the other way around? You have these special feelings for me too and I don't know anything about it. You'll just keep on acting like you do. Then please, stay that way. Just be naive of what I feel; of what you feel towards me when you see me smile at you. Because the only way I can tell you what I feel is through this smile I have on my face. Don't say anything. Let's just not know the love we feel for each other. It works for us now, we should not complicate things.

So hush up and don't say anything. My lips are sealed. It's better this way: simple, not complicated, undefined.

Just What I Need

A distraction. I'm glad I have a friend who can distract me somehow. I'm already filled with lots of things to think about with work and career that it clashes already with my emotional baggage.

That's very, very bad... I hate being distracted at work.

We just chat in YM and talk about alot of things. Mostly funny stuff that's happening with our lives. I'm not that close to him but somehow I'm seeing a connection. He distracts me with the things that make me feel so sad. But it's good that he doesn't know that. Atleast not too many questions asked. I prefer it this way.

"Dude, thanks. I'm glad we got to talk. I'll keep laughing with you."

Missing Fly-boy

You fly off to far regions to explore and experience. Then you come back to me to tell me all your adventures and the stories, and I looked at you with awe as I think of how far you had gone when once you just stayed on the ground with me. Remember how much we love to tell stories to each other, that even if I lay here firmly planted, we know we both will fly together someday. I still have those dreams with me, and I carry them with care.

Now you flew off again and found love at another place. And I admit it hurts watching you fly with another. It must feel different flying with someone else and not with me. I wonder if you ever noticed that. I envy you both as I watch you both soar to the sky, while I silently cry on the ground.

Maybe I'm not meant to sprout wings like yours. Maybe I'm just really made to stay here and wait and long for someone who would also be in the same position as I am; feet firmly planted on the ground, sharing the life on this earth. I hope you would take time to look back, check up on me on the ground. I just want you to know that I still dream that someday, I might get those wings and you'll be there to reach out for me... and we can finally share that dream of flying together... But for now, I will be patient and continue to hope for that dream to come true.

Bloggerina

I write when thoughts need to be locked down on paper
I write when imaginations are getting too heavy
I write to make the fantasies seem better
Than what I have in this reality.

I write when inspiration drifts by
During days of quiet sinks in
I write when I feel my heart could not cry
And the words holds her secret within

The Bomb

Okay the update so far... and some of these are really like bombs being dropped on me out of the blue.

It wouldn't hurt to tell me that you're planning these you know:

- My friend Lalaine is getting married on March 1, 2009, Sunday. (gaah.. I cried buckets when she told me the news.. but I cried because I'm happy for her)

- My girlfriend Ica is going to the US in June. She'll come back next year, February, then fly off again after three months.

- Someone I know just got interview to a place I know (I'm just trying my best to keep the secret haha)

- Mr. S is coming home in May.

- My uncle, Biyam, is getting married on May 8. And told me I'm part of the entourage on such short notice. (Yay! finally after all these years... Tito Biyam is getting married! :D)

- My cousin Dean is getting married in June in the US. He invited my family.. unfortunately none of us will be flying there for the wedding (awww...)

- I've been single for exactly a year already.

- Ridge broke up with his current BF yet again... (sometimes the texts aren't a surprise anymore..)

- They're pushing through with the partner bootcamp on the week before the Summit, our biggest event (Curse you VT!!)

- My cousin Karen just got married last April 18.. again this is on short notice.

- My friend Mildred is getting married too.

- My family is planning a trip to Singapore. Probably end of May or June.

- My officemate Irene is getting married (kasalanan daw namin ni Zap kasi kami yung nagpasimuno ng wedding songs ek-ek)

- I'm now a certified open water scuba diver!! :D (wek.. di naman bomb to eh.. alam kong mangyayari na to.. :P)

*sigh* to all those getting married.. Congratulations! I guess I just feel a little left out or maybe alone since some of my close friends are getting married or leaving for somewhere... Or maybe this is just a case of another moodswing.. Anyway, stop dropping bombs on me people... or else I might just go into a shock. :P

 

April is taking too looooong..

A while back I was thinking the month of April is taking too long to finish. I'm not sure if it's the summer solstice or maybe because I'm getting excited to have some events done. I am somewhat busy this month but I feel like I'm not finishing anything at all.

I don't even feel inspired to write. I keep on thinking on writing something but I can't. I want to write a poem but the right words seems to fall off my grasp. This is just really frustrating. I bought books already that I haven't started reading because I don't feel like reading them or I'm no longer interested in reading books (which is really bad on my case)

Sometimes, I just want to lie down on the bed. I think I need more sleep but sleeping is boring me out. I find myself falling asleep in the office while working on the computer (basically opening-closing-reopening windows). I'm so low in energy right now (I don't have the Country Manager aura (inside marketing joke)). I just don't know why.

April is such a weird month... I guess there's not much happening... I wanted to go out with some people but it just don't happen. I miss them but can't seem to get myself to meet with friends. I don't think this is the Azy who is writing this at this very moment.

I'm not even sure if I'm still in love.

Choices

I've been bombarded with alot of things lately. Work+Life balance is a little screwed up. I don't feel as energetic as I was before. Usual questions are being asked. The same faces staring at me. Advices that people have been repeating to me over and over and over...

I'm getting tired of giving the same excuses...

 

Happy Earth Day!

Happy Earth Day everyone! Be conscious of your environment. Don't forget, Mother Earth is taking care of you without you asking for it :)

Be happy under the blue sky :)

8 Random Things (From Nick Y)

Tagged by Nick (haha request granted!)

Share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you.
Then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.
– Each blogger must post these rules first.
– Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
– Bloggers who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
– At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
– Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I treat my stuffed toys like my kids. I have 3 favorites: Koala (from Papa when he went to Australia back in 1989), Cuddles (a brown bear lying on his tummy. first thought he's a dog.. brothers kept insisting he's a bear.. my young mind couldn't comprehend the difference haha), Barry (another brown bear my mom bought for me out of a whim (fell inlove with him)), and Lucky (the pink bear my brother George won for me in the Dream Catcher game in Timezone.. spent 500 pesos just for that game). But don't tell the others that.. they might get jealous haha.

2. I love surprises and like giving people surprises. I just don't get the opportunity to do so.

3. I'm a DOM magnet! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! :((

4. When I'm really annoyed at someone or something, please do not leave me alone at a mall or a bookstore as I will not leave that place until I buy something Whether I need it or not. Basically just don't leave me alone when I'm annoyed :P

5. I have an imaginary lover. Seriously, I think about him most of the time. I have the image in my head, I know how he looks like, how he talks, what he does for a living, what we do together, I even made a family background about him. But he's only imaginary. I even have a complete name. I'm scared to meet him in real life.

6. I'm a nature lover. I love the feel of plants on my hands. Whenever I pass by a bush or a tree, I can't help but brush my hands against it when I walk by. Small things like that makes me happy.

7. I don't have a celebrity crush, whether its local or international. I have those celebrities that I like but I'm not exactly a big fan. That's why I won't fit in the production of a TV industry. I'm not into showbiz.

8. I don't know how to ride a bike. I'm not even a good swimmer... but I'm about to get my license to dive haha.

Tagging the following people:
- Zap, Jme, Enzo, Lalaine, Lee Ann, Mic, TinTin, Carlo... hope you guys could respond to this :)

Luna

There's this stray cat that keeps visiting our house every morning/night. A white, grown-up cat with blue eyes. Everytime I hear it "meow", I always rush outside to check him out. Amazing, he's actually tame. When you call him out, he comes to you. I even tried to sneak out a fish or two just to feed him.

I decided to call him Luna (why Luna? maybe because he's white? erh.. no relation to Sailormoon, really.). Honestly, I don't know if he's a boy or a girl. Anyway, he seems to be very interested in me. He'd actually visit in the morning during weekends, and drop by in the evening.

One Sunday, I told Luna I won't be around in the morning from Monday to Friday since I have work. I'm not sure if Luna still drops by during weekdays but I was actually surprised to find him waiting outside our gate when I came home the other night! Wow! It feels great to know I have someone, even just a cat, waiting for me to come home. That was touching. He's playfull as usual, kept on rubbing himself on my legs. I don't think he likes it though because I was wearing pants.. he likes it better I guess when I'm in my pj's or wearing shorts (hmmm... maybe he really is a "he").

Anyway, Luna's such a charming stray cat. Whenever he visits me in the evening, he looks up to me with those big eyes! So cute! I remember praying to St. Francis of Asisi to send me a pet that I can take care of. He may not be around all the time, atleast I know I have a pet I can call mine for now :P 

Facehooked

Gaah... i went along with the Facebook trend! Found myself checking out the website then decided to register.

I have 13 friends as of the moment.

Now.. better think if I should let go of my Friendster account or not..

Lonely Musings

Don't ask...

- He's made up his mind to leave it all behind
- Just one more story from a lonely road
- Is it your heart, Oh, that's breakin' all in pieces
- Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin
- I'll be waving my hand watching you drown, watching you scream, quiet or loud
- I'm waiting for the sky to fall, I'm waiting for a sign.
- And my wish is you'd let me spend my whole life with you
- I've waited long enough to find you
- And I'm never gonna give you up for someone else's love
- If all my dreams come true, I'll be spending time with you
- Di mahuhulaan damdamin mo, Kungdi sasabihin, sabihin mo na
- Di ko alam ba’t di mo makayanan na iwanan sya
- Longing to spend every moment of the day with you
- Kapag ako ay iwan mo mamamatay ako, Pagkat hawak mo sa iyong kamay ang puso ko
- So confused and I don't know how to deal with it. Need sometime for awhile before I give my heart away
- Ok na ako ngayon. di tulad ng dati umaasa  sayo...
- Naghahanap ka pa ba? Ng ibang taga lupa?
- don't leave me standing in the dark
- Pangarap ka na lang ba o magiging katotohanan pa? Bakit may mahal ka nang iba
- Ngumiti kahit na napipilitan, Kahit pa sinasadya...Mo akong masaktan paminsan-minsan, Bawat sandali na lang
- Talk about a fine line between love and hate
- That I love you
  I have loved you all along
  And I miss you
  Been far away for far too long
  I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
  and you’ll never go
  Stop breathing if
  I don’t see you anymore
- Nagtataka... Simple lang naman sana... Ang buhay Kung ika'y matino
- Naaalala mo pa ba nung tayo'y magkasama pa
  Iyong sinabi't pinangako na nalimot mo na siya
  At kahit naglaho ka na muling sumama sa kanya
  Sa aking puso ay ikaw pa rin, ikaw pa rin
- Ano ba talagang mas gusto ko
  Ang beer na ito
  O ang pag-ibig mo
- But you put on quite a show. 
  Really had me goin'
  But now it's time to go,
  Curtain's finally closin'.
  That was quite a show.
  Very entertainin'.
  But it's over now.
  Go on and take a bow.
- Nguni't kung ang pagsuyo'y lilipas din.. Bagay kaya ang bato sa buhangin ...
- But I don’t care what they say
  I’m in love with you
  They try to pull me away
  But they don’t know the truth
  My heart’s crippled by the vein
  That I keep on closing
  You cut me open
- Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause It's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
- Where is the moment we needed the most
- The little things you do to me are taking me over.
- Please don't worry bout me I'm fine, Only gonna play the fool one time, Trust me when I say That I'll be okay... Go on girl...

Nothing much.. just got some lines from songs... They're all random, really. There's this person I hope would read this and react but I don't expect that he will... he'll just tell me when I see him haha. I have a feeling I know what he'll say though...he's been repeating it over and over... I got alot of things to think about since last night..

Student-Teacher Relationship

... goes beyond the confines of the school, even way after graduation..

In the photo is me and my college professor, Bong Lopez. A lawyer by profession, a teacher by calling. He teaches Philippine Constitution, Labor Law, and Media Law in both UST and Arellano University. He graduated from UST as well... and until now, he's with UST, teaching students not just their primary subjects but also about life.

Bong is amazing and surprising. The first time I met him, he looked so serious. Everyone could see then that he was a tough teacher, someone quite hard to please. Somehow, I warmed up to him when he called my name and I saw a smile on his face (my name's quite a charmer.. a round of applause to my name... :P).

Sir Bong's style is calling out a name randomly from the class cards and he will ask you a question that can be found in the book (if you read it) or sometimes, questions that will really make you think (not exactly found in the book). I love going to all his classes when I was in college and I really like it when he's the teacher teaching the subject. He shares alot of experiences and gives a lot of thought provoking ideas.. he's that good. I remember one class when he called me and I did my best to answer his question, he made a comment: "Ikaw pag graduate mo, sana maging Cum Laude ka." I was like, WOW! Talk about a high expectation! I made sure I worked hard in his subject. Unfortunately I didn't graduate with honors, but he's happy I got a Dean's Lister award during my stay at UST :)

I met up with him the other day just for coffee and bonding. He had a lot of stories to tell, how much he misses me, our classes before, the batch that he misses, and alot more. Bong hasn't changed. He's still the teacher and friend that I remembered when I was still in college. I'm not sure how we became good friends... I guess it just happened that we became friends instantly. Amazing, we've been friends for 7 years... and until now I can't help but still call him Sir (I'm respectful haha).

I had a great time with him. Catching up with an old friend and keeping each other updated on what's been happening. I actually heard alot of things that I didn't expect would happen in UST (I'm quite dissapointed with the current officers running the school...). Anyway, I like the fact that I'm very good friends with him (he can give free consultation if something happens haha.. kidding :P) and I hope to know more about my favorite teacher. To not forget what happened that day, we had our picture taken (he brought a camera) and he even gave me a Paulo Coelho book (so sweet of him). We'll be seeing each other soon again..

Mr. Reynaldo "Bong" Lopez is a good friend and an inspiring mentor at the same time. I hope everyone finds that kind of person. I keep to my heart all the memories shared with him. This is one special relationship I'm glad I'm in.

Take A Bow, Baby, Take A Bow

Big Bro Dan, this is all your fault. I really have to share my sentiments with you..

Been listening to this song since this morning (other than my usual Crazy For You (special version "good morning Azy") morning habit mp3) and I haven't stopped it. I first heard this from my brother Dan and even found my self asking for copy. 

I'm having quite a hard time trying to keep from my boss and colleagues the waterworks on my face, my eyes getting red, going in and out of the room just to wipe the tears off on my sleeves.. Yes, for some reason I'm affected and I don't even know why.

 

TAKE A BOW (RIHANNA)

How about a round of applause
A standing ovation

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

[Chorus]
Don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like the re-run
Please, what else is on

[Chorus]

And don't tell me you're sorry cuz you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

And the award for the best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be
Faithful to me
lets hear your speech ohh

How about a round of applause
A standing ovation

[Chorus]
But you put on quite a show
You really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now
Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

Don't worry, I'm fine. I think I just needed to wash out something from my eyes... more specifically off my chest.

Smile

Dreams are the most unexplained occurence to me. The inner workings of my mind are so complex, they create stories and illusions that I have no idea what they mean. Strange though that it seems that the emotions I experience when awake are channelled to my subconscious. I want to find answers, direct and truthful answers, to my dreams. However, all we ever have are interpretations. No sure meaning to it. Why can't it just mean as it is? Why cant the dreams be what you really want to happen? Why do sometimes, they all have to be just deja vu's? Frustrating isn't it? It's making your world alot more complicated. Dreams makes you hope for something that can't happen even though you really want it to happen. They're all just analogies, metaphorical images in your head. And they won't give you any straight answer.

----

I was curious then. I wanted to know what will happen if I go to the other side. I saw people I know, heard strange voices, and they keep on beckoning me to go and explore. The plank was close, only a few more steps and everything will change. Somehow those people I know, they seem to fade away and appear every now and then.

They can't be ghosts.. are they just illusions?

Closer and closer, I walked to the plank. It was clear below, but I can't see the bottom of the ground. They are all just blurred images. I looked back from where I stood before and saw no one there. There's this strange ache inside, thinking no one's there to see me off... no one cared enough for me to run back to. I shook my head and heard again those voices. One thing I noticed, my face was blank. No emotion can be seen on it. Weird, I felt light and emotionless, but I don't feel cold at all.

At that very last step, you grabbed my hand. Stunned, I couldn't move anymore, and the voices are fading to nothing all of a sudden. It took some time before I recognized you and you didn't let me go. I took a step back and I know it was quite a long time that I stared at you.

Did you see  even that longing on my face? How I missed your touch? Those shiny glasses? And I know, I had that weird expression on my face.. I was standing there, holding on to your hand. I could still jump you know? But I couldn't. It wasn't your touch that stopped me...

It was your smile.

A Lesson We All Learn On Our Own

It took time but at least I made an effort to really move on. There maybe times that you want to talk to them, to check on how they're doing, still I did my best to not feel that warm feeling inside. That sudden rush of emotion that you want to tell that Ex. IT'S NOT REAL. They're just small remnants deep inside. You don't have to always succumb to that emotion, no matter how really nice and how good were the times you spent together. Yes it's true, they've wasted away... but what can you do?? The relationship is over, and you really have to move on. If you want new experiences, then you have to make one. You need to keep your heart and mind open to other ideas, other love around. You really can't keep rushing back to the ex, thinking there might still be a chance. No matter how long the relationship took, when it's over, it has to be over once you decide.

So you must decide now. Love will not wait for you to change your mind. There should be an effort on your part, and you should be decisive and firm. Yes we all want to be friends with them, but that will just happen on its own. You don't have to make it your point to be friends with them. You can be friends or acquaintances in time... it doesn't have to be now. Believe me, it'll come on its own. And it will be the time when you know you can be friends with them, with no emotions attached to it. That is how you define starting anew.

Do what you have to do to move on. But remember that it involves personal effort on your side and a decision that you want to move on. Alot of things can happen. Fate has such funny ways to make everything confusing for us. But don't jump into another relationship just to forget someone. Your excess emotional baggage will be brought into that relationship and just ruin it. Sometimes it works, sometimes  it don't.

You'll be fine and you're not alone. Everyone experiences this. Just remember that Love also plays tricks on everyone. You will still fall in love. You don't know it but you might be falling in love now. And the best thing is, it's better than the other one. It always is. You just have to work on it to be better. You and your partner both have. Don't forget to enjoy the crazy ride. It what makes the love blossom into something good.

Thus, this is getting over.... moving on.... letting go.... and growing up =)

The Great M.O.

Did you ever asked yourself if you have really moved on? Moved on from a previous relationship I mean. Were there signs? I'm sure there are alot of realizations. You've listened to dozens of songs that you think better explains your situation. Self help books are available in every library or bookstore you go to. There are also a lot of ways you want to forget someone and this includes lots of drinking, crying, date-date-and-date, suicide (okay that's just plain stupid). But tell me, how and when can you say that you have really moved on?

My ex ended our relationship (friendship even) in the most idiotic way possible (the idiot being him). The break-up was smooth sailing at first, of course we still talk sometimes. And I admit there are times that I would text him that there might still be a chance yadda yadda (but it was already the second term in the relationship.. so pfft...). But then he had to call me names and ruined all the 7 years of knowing each other as friends, partners and lovers... and it's all because of some stupid idea that happened in our relationship and I don't know where and how the effing hell he got it (really. stupid.). Grrr...

Okay... I'm cool now. It's all over and past is past. I'm looking forward to what's happening in the present and what's going to happen in the future. :)

Anyway, the post break-up was the worst kind of thing he ever did to me. And take note, it's POST. I can't believe he was still able to make me cry after I broke up with him months ago! But I'm strong and I have alot of friends I held on to during those times. And having them around made me feel better. So I put it all at the back burner, left it there and moved on.

... but have I really moved on..?

I guess I ask this question because I bumped into him the other night while I was going home after work. I was waiting at a corner street and someone snapped his fingers at me, turns out it was my ex. I wasn't at all surprised to see him there (since I know his office is near by, I'm just not sure where)... what I was surprised at is that he made a move to greet me. We both said "hi", smiled and asked each other what's been going on. It was a really short chat since we're both rushing to go home. I got in my cab and he walked away. And so my day ended with me seeing my ex after a long long time.

I'VE MOVED ON. How can I say that? Because there wasn't anything there at all. If before, I used to want to hug him and give him a quick kiss at the cheeks, it was different this time. It was just like meeting someone you know, waving at an acquaintance in the street and after sometime, you forget already who it was you saw. It's not that he's irrelevant, he just doesn't stick to my mind like before. I've forgiven him now for what he did to me, and it's all just a memory that I can laugh at when I bring it up in a chat.

"Anger is not the opposite of Love. It is Absence."

Maybe it's not all gone. But they're all just fleeting memory. Smiles, laughter, love and bonding, all stuck in photopaper and images, nothing more. I'm focusing myself on other things, meeting other people, enjoying my time being single but still looking for someone I can share and make memories with. So I guess I can say I'm all ready for a new love.

It'll come in time, I know =) But I'm just happy I've finally accepted these things and learned from the past. And so, this is moving on =)

Alay Lakad

Nilakad ko mula Espanya/Blumentritt hanggang dun sa bahay ko sa Alejos malapit sa Calamba. Kung alam nyo yung lugar na yun, sinasabi ko sa inyo, malayo sya. Pano naman kasi, ang galing nung sinakyan kong FX... di na daw sila aabot ng Mayon, kaya ayun, bumaba na lang ako sa Espanya/Blumentritt. Nung una naisip kong mag taxi... try ko rin mag tricycle. Ewan ko ba kung ano nakain ko at naisipan ko na lang mag lakad. Ayun, naka black dress ako at wedge shoes... isang babaeng parang nawawala sa Blumentritt at naglalakad. Ang dami na ngang lalaki yung nakatingin sa akin... pero keme... lakad pa rin kahit pawisan na. Along the way, nakita ko yung bahay nung dating kaklase ko nung gradeschool.. at nakita ko pa yung mommy nya! At nakilala pa ko!! :D Sa hitsura kong yun (naka dress at pawisan) aba eh nakilala pa ko?? Ang tagal ko na silang di nakita. Dun ko nalaman na yung kaklase kong yun, stewardess na pala. Swerte nga daw at nakaka travel yung anak nya. Kamustahan, chika, at praises.. etc.. Nakaka tuwa lang isipin na may makakasalubong pala ako na isang taong sobrang tagal ko nang di nakikita at di ko pa close yung pamilya. Nakaka miss lang..

Ayun.. ang mga exploits ko.. Pero masarap mag lakad. Kung pwede lang maglakad mula Makati hanggang bahay ko sa QC, gagawin ko (feeling ko malapit ko nang gawin...).

Bahala na kung ano mangyari. Aayusin ko muna bihis ko nun haha. Haay... ang nagagawa nga naman ng isang sawi... Este... isang pagod na sa trabaho... pinapagod pa lalo ang sarili :

Wala na ang Aposento!!

... pinalitan na ng Common's! Sheesh! :(

Ang tagal ko na palang di kumakain or umiinom dun.. Yung last na andun ako eh November pa. Ang sad naman. So many memories sa resto na yun.

Sa mga di nakaka-alam.. ang Aposento ay yung restaurant and bar na asa tapat ng Citibank Tower sa Valero. Masarap yung food dun. Lalo na yung paella nila.. Haay sayang.. Meron pa man din akong personal waiter dun na alam na agad ang order ko kada punta ko haha :P kaya laging malaki tip ko sa kanya.. ang pangalan nga pala nya eh Jeff. Basta... daming memories din sa Aposento. Dahil sa Aposento, ang daming nangyari... maraming masaya at marami ring hanggang ngayon ay pinag iisipan pa rin na alaala.

Oh well. Welcome Common's. Try ko rin sya next time. Pero I will always have Aposento in my heart :P

 

Searching Oscar

an excerpt from The Ballad of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde:

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves
  By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
  Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
  The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
  And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
  Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
  The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
  Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
  And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
  Yet each man does not die."

(currently searching for other written works by Oscar Wilde to add to my library :) )

Old Post: Putting the fire out

(Reposting a blog I wrote 2 years ago. you can see the drama oozing at every line. I wonder when will be the next time I can write something as good as this...)

i started a fire and now i have to end it. the pieces of my heart i picked up already but i can't seem to put them in place. i still dream of you, but i know they are just the remnants of the pieces i patched up. they are what's left and soon it will heal and be new again. that's what i'm waiting for. i pray it heals soon so that i would never have to endure the dreams, nay, the nightmares that leaves me crying at night. so that i wouldn't have to let all my thoughts go back to your memories again. i'm sorry if you think what this is is that i wanted to forget. i don't want to, but to let my heart be captured again by him who guides my heart even through the darkness, through the cold shadows, between living and death, i should be able to. he might not be here yet but he will come..soon.

we were once given a chance. something i think i did not plan. but here we are again, in between taking chances and losing it. i think we are both on our own roads. but please let me say this that what we had was something so magical and so unique that not even the gods had ever thought of creating. it must be so special that we need to have it for our own. still i thank you for that, from the deepest part of my soul.

you made me love you, i didn't want to do it. but i did. and i never thought soaring to the sky would be the best i ever did. i wish it would still be when he comes. i don't mind stepping on jagged rocks just to be with him. if that's what it takes, then it might be what i need to do. the pain and the wounds would not matter if at the end, i would have him, the only one. and he will come, someday.

to you to whom my heart burns, this is what i wanted. i will take care of the pieces left behind. i don't want to burn your whole memory. i still would want to catch a glimpse of you in some unexpected chances. i will not let you dissappear from me. you would still be you, locked deep in the depths of my emptiness. and im sure for a while i would still look for you. but i must try and endure it for him, who in my mind, has already given up the world of fantasy and make believe, just to have me in his arms.

adieu to you, my flame, the blazing light, the scattered embers... the fire burns me, but its for the best..

Waiting

You're taking too long but I don't mind. Waiting for you is a habit already. I'm trying to keep myself busy but still, it's okay. I don't mind waiting for you. But there are times I just can't understand what's taking you too long for you to be here, to decide which right words to say, to decide what you will do, to decide to move on or to let go. Still, I'm right here where you know I will be. Just waiting until I see you, to hear from you again, to touch you, to be close to you again.

Even when sometimes I find myself getting too tired (painful even) to wait, I still haven't moved from my place. I'm still right here. Waiting.

Boss

Sino nga ba yung dapat tawagin na boss? Bakit nga ba kita tinatawag na boss? Hindi naman talaga ikaw yung boss ko (di hamak namang mas maganda boss ko sa'yo hehe). Pero nakakatuwang isipin na nagagawa kitang tawagin na ganun.

Ba't nakakatuwa? Feeling ko sasabihin mo nanaman ang mean ko sa'yo :P

Hindi naman. Siguro sabihin nating "term of endearment" yun. Nirerespeto kita kaya boss at sir ang tawag ko sa'yo. Siguro yung manner na lang ng pag sabi nun yung isipin mo hehe. Kasi hindi kita pwedeng tawagin sa ibang pangalan na alam mo pag may ibang tao, kaya boss o sir na lang muna tawag ko sa'yo.

Pati ibang tao na impluwensyahan ko na na tawagin kang ganun. Napagkakatuwaan na lang sya kaya wag ka sanang magagalit. Love ka rin naman nila at I'm sure natutuwa din sila sa'yo. Pag lumalabas tayo feeling ko talaga I'm surrounded with "glory". Feeling ko ang special special ko naman at nakakasama ko si boss :)  Siguro, hindi lahat ng tao nafi-feel yun. Yung andyan ka at ikaw yung "boss" namin. Madalas pa ngang hinahanap ka nila pag wala ka sa lakad. Oo, nakakamiss pag wala si "boss" :)

Siguro next time na yun na tatawagin kita sa ibang pangalan mo or tawag ko sa'yo, pag na feel mo na. For now, ikaw muna si boss :)

(wag kang magagalit. di kita inaasar. wala pa lang akong ibang maisip na isulat na para sa'yo :) next time, may maiisip pa akong mas maganda.)

When you...

When you're alone in the office...

you have a tendency to dillydally.. to surf about unimportant things in the internet... you get some 5 minute shut-eye since you think no one will notice and no one's there to bother you. time seems so slow but you like being alone in the office: the door closed and lights off. you contemplate on your own.

When you miss someone...

you barely eat. and you don't even know why you're so bothered when you know he's just a call and chat away. but your day isn't complete when you don't miss him at all. his name comes out in a form of a sigh, and dusty window panes seems to be the best place to write down his name. and after all the thinking and sighing, you wonder if he misses you too.

When you like someone...

you have a tendency to dive into the feelings and think that it is love that you feel already. but it isn't. you still have to go through the all the levels: crush, infatuation, like then love. it ain't easy to like someone... because at the level of like, when something happens and things didn't turn out the way you had hoped, you become devastated and eventually, break your heart. so be careful when you like someone.

When you try to start a conversation...

you start to imagine what they'll say. you hope that they're as open-minded like you. during a conversation, you already try and think what their answer will be so that you'll be prepared to answer back. just like chess, you think ahead when you move.

When you write a blog...

you risk revealing yourself too much to people. especially when you go public with what you write. and when you write about someone, you risk revealing too much of what you feel.

When you're torn, lost or confused...

you can't find the answer in any books. sometimes you just have to look deep inside yourself and reflect why you feel lost (but you're the reason I'm lost).

I Like it Here

It's been seven months since I moved to SAP to assume the Marketing Assistant position. I was looking for other opportunities last year because I felt like I wasn't really moving and progressing in my career. I used to be the administrator for the APAC Consulting of Oracle for Australia. It was quite exciting at first but then the monotony started, some people you really can't get along with (and I don't know why they don't like me in the first place...), some language issues (ey mate!), and other things. I wanted to get back on track in Marketing since it is my first love and I enjoyed being the Marketing Assistant of Oracle for one and a half years (like what my friend Summer said, I have to get back into Marketing before it's too late.. sayang ang skills ko). You ask why I left that position? It's because of another opportunity that came and that was the administrator position (a regular position... what I've always wanted). But then, there are things that you really miss like the people and the events. I gave up all that just to have a regular (and might have been a secure) position.

The administrator position was offered to me and I gladly accepted it, thinking it is something new and I might learn more about the company. Then as I said, I wasn't enjoying as much as I thought (I wasn't the only one who noticed... even the HR Director and the Sales people saw that... gosh I miss them). One thing is clear, I wasn't looking around SAP for an opportunity, SAP found me (HAH!). I actually couldn't believe it when they contacted me and offered me the Marketing Assistant position! I was even torn during the interview since all our regional managers in Consulting APAC was there and it was a nerve wracking experience, trying to keep to yourself that a competitor company has set its eyes on you! It took me only a few days to decide (since the position was urgent.. they need me already for the Summit and it was only a week after my interview!!). I consulted my boss and asked permission. I actually didn't get a straight answer from her. She wanted me to talk to my former Marketing boss in Oracle before I decide if I want to leave or not (eyng?). Thus, during the despedida for one of my Sales colleagues, I talked to her. She didn't gave me a straight answer either, but she did give me some thoughts that I should ponder on. Little did my friends at the despedida know that they're actually saying goodbye to 2 people (I was un-officially leaving yet hehe).

I made up my mind during the weekend. Couldn't even sleep well. And come Monday, I rushed in to my boss' room, closed the door and talked to her. After a gruelling 20minutes inside, I came out feeling alive and renewed. I sat down on my chair and told my cubicle mates what happened. Even they were shocked that I was leaving (I never told anyone of my plans, except for one really close friend). As per HR, once I submit my resignation letter, I have to leave the premises immediately (i.e. they're going to kick me out before I even get the chance to learn more about the company :P). I did that the following day since I still need to finish my reports for my dear Australian colleagues (no sarcasm).

Turn over was smooth since I was very organized with all my files and folders *pat on the back*. Not to mention the people I left my work with was good friends and cubicle mates (so sorry I had to leave so sudden :( I know how hard it was when I left... I'm glad I was still able to help at some point even after I left :P). Everyone was shocked at my decision, and the fact that I was leaving that day already. Friends, bosses, colleagues came by to ask what happened, where I was going, etc.. I just had to explain to everyone and say good bye to everyone properly (even to my Aussie fellows). I was even given another offer and position just so I would stay (sorry Ryan, but I can't wait long :( ). Still, I know I had to leave. I went to friends places, my former boss, colleagues, and said good bye. I passed by all the familair places (stockroom, pantry... basically that's it) and felt a little teary eyed since Oracle has been my first home, first job opportunity, first family, and I learned alot from them. I waved goodbye to our guard that night, but he was too busy with the phones. He barely noticed me enter the elevator, carrying all my stuff and said my final goodbye.

Flattered, sad, and happy... mixed emotions/feelings. I can't quite describe what I felt that night. All I ever thought was I had to prepare for the SAP Summit. Being with them for seven months taught me alot of things and I'm happy I'm learning more. I'm just really happy to be here (the weight gain is a proof... sheesh..). A new family, a new set of friends, new mentors, new chance to learn and to grow. "No regrets" like what my friend told me. And so, I just want to say I'm happy, and thank you... and here's a toast to the future for both companies and for me, whatever it will be, I'll still happy =)

Lost

Lost...

What she said when she couldn't find the keys to her car.

Lost...

When she's having a hard time reading through all the Biology books for her finals exam.

Lost...

The child never thought of asking for directions. His parents left him behind.

Lost...

She doesn't know if her boyfriend still loves her or not.

Lost...

When he doesn't know what will happen to him in another country when he moves there.

Lost...

When they tried searching for the file she kept with her but couldn't find it in her things.

Lost...

When her friends won't try and understand her situation.

Lost...

When a friend suddenly stopped going to work and haven't been in touch ever since.

Lost...

Because I don't know if all the things you said to me were even true.

Lost...

When a prayer has not been answered...

Lost...

Whether to decide if she should still love him, or go to the new love that she found.

Lost...

When a person's insecurities gets in the way...

Lost...

When he said he didn't know how to apologize for what he did to her.

Lost...

When an old love came to help mend her broken heart.

Lost...

Because I don't know which one is painful: me losing you because you love someone else.. or you losing me because I found someone else?

Lost...

When you said you don't know which path to take.

Lost...

Because I don't know if you're worth the wait...

Love song Circa 90's

Going back to the 90's... the days when gradeschool and highschool life was easy. When all you have to focus on was school (nerd). You always go home early to watch Ang TV and have a crush on Paolo.

And falling in love is all just a thought and you live and breathe "love" through the paperback books like Sweet Valley High... well for some that's the case...

I now share a special song with you from Backstreet Boys (now men... minus one)

HOW DID I FALL INLOVE WITH YOU (BACKSTREET BOYS)
Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like sister and brother
We understood we'd never be alone

Those days are gone, now I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't wanna be alone tonight

Chorus
What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice and I start to tremble
Brings back the child that I resemble
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends
Don't wanna be alone tonight

Chorus

Ooh I wanna say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know
I don't wanna live this life
I don't wanna say goodbye
With you I wanna spend the rest of my life

Chorus

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew
How did I fall in love with you?

Friends don't let friends dial drunk! (Plain White T's)

Again, this goes to Mr. Josef "Dad" Zafra for introducing me to Plain White T's.

It's okay to get drunk. It's fun actually... up until the moment you start throwing up and losing yourself haha. I laugh out loud or grab the mic in the karaoke when I get drunk. But I make sure that if I get drunk, I'm with friends and people I can trust.

Cool song. When I was listening to it, it really makes perfect sense. I remember getting drunk and calling up an ex-lover (christ.. that didn't sound good...) just to tell him I'm drunk and ask how he is. The next morning, I couldn't remember a single thing he said or I said. When we were chatting, he told me he said something important to me but I couldn't remember what it was! Geezus. Well whatever it was, it's gone and I still don't know what that important thing he said was. Another instance, I got drunk and a friend called me up to check on me. I said I was fine, tipsy but still able to go home. However, I got into a little trouble that night and I ended up being "scolded" the following morning.

I think sometimes you do irrational things when you're drunk. Like texting an ex, or someone you like. Because you got that burst of "courage" from alcohol, you think you might be able to get away with it. The following morning, after the headaches, you deny what happened that night....

...gaahd.. sucks to be on the other side... when you're the one that drunk person is texting... and you don't know what to do or say... and when you confront them, they said they forgot already what happened... sucks big time..

 

Would I even have the guts to say this to you?

"Why can't we be friends? Because things cannot remain the way they were. I cannot stay friends with you when I want us to be more than friends. I will not survive being in love with you while you continue treating me as a friend. And I do not want to be a liar or a hypocrite. Therefore, either you give me time to get over you, or you return my love. Whatever the case, our friendship, for the time being, is over."

-- thanks Carl.

How you make me feel

Looking at you... I don't know what I should really feel. It's hard you know? You and me together for the longest time and yet we don't really know each other that well. When I ask you a question, you give one quick answer. No explanations. Atleast I got the answer I need. But sometimes, you beat around the bush. I remember saying something before then now, it got all twisted inside you. I forgot already what is the truth in what I said.

You kept the memories, but I doubt if you even look back at them. I smile, remembering all those great times, those pictures taken, the chat messages, the phone conversations, the music we played... but you.. Do you even try and look back? Do you even try and check if they are still inside, stored in your memories? I'm sure they are... I just don't know if you're affected by it like I am.

At the end of the day, I reflect what else happened to us today. We're both so busy, I barely heard the music you played. We say our non-chalant goodbyes and that's it. The lights are off, and I wonder what's in store tomorrow for us...

There you go again, staring right back... with the blank face.

*my sentiments with my desktop*

Have you Googled yourself lately?

I thought of searching for my real name (the whole birth name) in Google since I recall seeing the line above from a presentation from a colleague...

Unfortunately I couldn't search something specific about me hahaha!

So I CAN'T be googled :P

I tried searching using nickname.. All I found were those that can be found in Multiply webpages (friends and relatives, etc.).

I guess, you can't find everyone in the Net :P

Work-loads

Too many things to do... so little time... a lot of preparations... I'm glued to my seat and to my computer screen... my table's a mess... heaps of papers scattered on top... business cards strewn around... phone kept on ringing and ringing... most of the time the Big boss drops by to check on things (i like it actually)... i keep forgetting to eat on time... now I'm hungry... under my desk is a mess... I'm really really really busy... Do not disturb.. Working hard... i want to scream... can't wait till all the events are done and over with... have to check on book keeping... better list the companies... send out invitations... emails emails emails... kept staying late at the office and I end up closing all the lights and doors... working during the weekends.. labels to be made.. custome list... customer count... damn so busy i don't want to leave my table anymore... have to keep on working..........

But still found time to write blogs in multiply.. hmm..

Weird.

Balentoingks

*Pat peram ah :)*

Roses.. wonderful red roses surprised me the morning of February 14. I thought they were just joking about the delivery. When I saw the box and the name on it, it was really for me!

Wow! No one's ever sent me flowers during V-day before...

Really, really sweet... I love them :) And I couldn't keep the smile on my face from everyone at work. *sigh* I was just really happy :)

 

Rarrr...

I just had the sexiest night the other day.. wow.. take note, it was a Sunday when it happened.. I was just reading a magazine when I thought of taking a bath. With the warm water flowing, the scent of the oils and soaps lingering in the warm air.. gaah... all the time i was smiling...yummy ;)

It was a stressful week the week before that so yeah, I needed the break. Great way to start my week.

Wonderful 30 minutes spent in the shower. And I mean WOW! Great bath... super yummy body scrub...

okay okay... too much info... :P

Bad Craving

Not good. There's a strange urge in me to kill. Heck, I joke around people telling them I'd kill them if they do somethign yadda yadda... But this time, it's a silent urge to really hurt someone so bad.

At the moment, I have weird images of torture playing inside my head... The idea of blood..shit.. i can even smell it.. goodness. And I'm wearing red today..

Damn. I have to supress this. I sure hope this goes away soon...

Busy si Kupido

To the CA3p people... I hope you can still remember the class we had with Sir Bong Lopez during Media Law and he shared this poem with us after one serious discussion. I remember him saying he has had this poem since college and he reads it to a special class every year during Valentines day:

Tula ni Rico Abelardo (Pebrero 14, 1990)

mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nagmamahal
nang makita ng lahat
ang kagandahan ng mukha ng pag ibig
ipamalas ang tamis
ng malalim na pagkaka unawaan
sa mga malabo ng paningin

mangyari lamang at tumayo rin
ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
nang makita ng lahat
ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
habang ipinagbubunyi
ang walang katulad na kagitingan
ng isang nagtaya

mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nangangambang magmahal
nang makita ng lahat
ang kilos ng isang bata
ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin
na pilit ikinukubli
ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto at diwata

mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nagmahal, minahal at iniwan
ngunit hindi pa ring magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
nang maging makahulugan
ang mga paghagulgol sa dilim

at sa mga nanatiling naka-upo
mangyari lamang ay dahan-dahang tumalilis
papalabas sa nakangangang pinto
umuwi na kayo
at sumbatan ang mga magulang
na nagpalaki ng halimaw

at sa lahat ng nakatayo
mangyari lamang ay hagkan ang isa't isa
at yakapin ang mga sugatan
mabuhay kayong lahat
na nagssikap na makabalik sa ating pinagmulan
manatiling masaya
at higit sa lahat, magpatuloy sa pagmamahal.

I share this to everyone here as we celebrate Valentine's Day 2008. After reading the poem, I ask you this question:

... ano, tatayo ka ba? :)

Dream Poem

I just dreamt of a poem.... and now I can't remember it.

Damn.

I even remember talking in my sleep about it. Saying the lines in my sleep so I wouldn't forget. I even remember waking up and wanting to write it down but my whole body wouldn't move. Really strange. Somewhere inside my head a voice said that I'll remember it in the morning. Unfortunately, my paper is still a blank. So is my memory of that dream.

Curse you sunshine that made me open my eyes...

Contortion

I just saw the other day the show Guiness Book of World Records. They have professional contortionists featured there... and I suddenly had these thoughts:

"I wonder what sex would be like with a professional contortionist??"

"I wonder how two professional contortionists would look like having sex in a box?"

Gaahd.. talk about doing the Kama Sutra =P

LOL! XD

Thousand Miles Away

You wonder what we're all doing right now. Dinner used to be fun, but now the company you have are only the four corners of your room. Work was okay, but compared to when you were here, it was so much better. Atleast in here, someone will make you laugh, people keep on sharing food, you have company when you get home. There, you go home alone to a quiet sanctuary. I'm sure it's driving you crazy... the loneliness and the boredom. Gosh I could hug you right now just thinking about it.

For now, I could only share an imagination with you. That I'm watching you eat the dinner I made for you. Walking beside you while you commute home. Be the imaginary friend you need when the room just feels so big and you just need someone to talk to.

It's so easy to use your imagination. So that you don't have to feel alone, let me imagine about it too and hope that some magical force could make you feel the company you need. :)

*for Mr. Singapore*

 

We're the new face of FAILURE

All the while, it was just a facade. But underneath there was nothing there. Who woulda thought we could trick everyone about it? Made them believe and watch a sort of teleserye forming out in front of their eyes. They even looked forward to what's going to happen next! Would you believe that? That we are just mere characters formed in their minds because some people thought "they look nice". It was all just a misunderstanding. There was nothing there, really. We were just joking.

And then years after, you come face to face with that person and you're both in shock when one of you suddenly asks, "Was it just really a play thought of by them? I thought I sensed something else was brewing underneath all that acting?". And deep inside, you start picking up all those little pieces and wonder, what did really happen? Was there really a spark? Who ended the whole thing? Questions that you thought you never had to ask.

Reality still bites. And you tried it. This time you took another chance. Somehow, you realize, the imaginary play was way different from how you two acted towards each other in real life. Still, it was hard. You just can't seem to find the right words, you don't know how you should really react. As compared to the script made by them, this time there's no cue on how you should start, who should say something first. You tried the baby steps but it's still hard to  try and do it on your own.

And so, you both just end up as characters in a play. Better to be lovers there than in real life. Easier, more manageable, atleast the mask and character is your own shield. In the time you've been together, shields down, you find it hard to show the real you. It's all so complicated.  But it's best to be just the make believe couple everyone thought of.

(okay... wtf??? sometimes I scare myself on what i write. Can someone please tell me if I made sense at all?? geez. That's not even me in the text (I think))

Old Post: Nope. This isn't for you. It's for somebody else.

(Another old post I made in 2006. I won't be using my blog in Friendster anymore as I usually update my Multiply account more often. As much as I want to write a poem, I can't seem to find my muse. I am only able to write prose for the last couple of weeks.)

*sigh* how I wish you could look up somehow and see me smiling there in front of you. i guess you barely noticed me when i flew by.

i sometimes try and tickle you but all you ever felt was a feather touch by the wind. you smile but you didn't even think it was me.

you were gone the other day. and i waited by the station, hoping to see you there. but the trains come and go until the evening. i never saw a glimpse of you. and that made my day even more blue.

maybe my timing was wrong then. I saw you frowning by the table, quietly focused on the screen. i said hello and called out your name but you never bothered to look beside you and see me smiling there; encouraging you to work harder and whispering that everything will be okay.

i guess you were too busy to listen to my song. you just thought someone was playing a soft tune in their MP3 player. but that was me. humming to you a love song.

the night is beautiful and the moon gives a soft glow. i wanted to walk with you, tag along, eat maybe (if i could) but you had to go off. you didn't even wave goodbye.

such is my fate. watching you while i crouch beside your shadow, the only thing that know's im there. i only have a few days left to be with you and they're calling me back already. i just wish you could hear me when I whispered how much i care.

Twisted

Quiet room....

Light's off......

Phone's ringing.....

Table's a mess......

Somewhat dilly-dallying (this is SOOO bad..) .....

My head's spinning.....

Emo music playing in the background....

I'm going crazy here.....

Twisted... twisted... TWISTED

Y-O-U

It's no longer a secret. A few people know about it already; how I'm going crazy with these feelings about you. Someone said that I love you deeply, the others say it's just something I ate. Others warned me not to push it anymore, no matter how much I miss you. Someone even said that it's wrong.. that I shouldn't get ahead of myself. Valentine's day is just around the corner, so maybe that's why I thought of you.

I keep on wondering if you ever think of me. Maybe when times are quiet in the office, maybe when you pick up something that reminds you of me or maybe when you pass by a familiar place. I don't go there much anymore, maybe because I'm trying to steer clear of the invisible footprints that I sometimes find. But be honest, do you really think of me?

Remnants of the past... That's what it is. You can't get away from memories filled with passionate, unexplainable love. I liken memories of you to shattered vases... As much as I try to brush them away, crush them even, I bleed at every touch.

Whenever there are times I feel like taking a yosi-break, I sometimes wonder if you'll get affected with that. I had a blog before that says something about it. And so I tried smoking, but it's not a habit. You know me, I love to experiment. Wishing maybe that I'd see the answer in the smoke that I blow out. Hoping there would be a freaky miracle that will give me a simple answer. 

If that does happen, don't wonder anymore what I'm doing at your door. The smoke told me to be there.

Somehow, writing about you, I still get mixed feelings. The truth is, I don't want to talk about you anymore. But I find that you're the easiest topic. I wonder if you  talk about me with your friends? I wonder what you tell them...

I wake up every morning thinking "I should die today". Yes, it's all so confusing. Maybe you don't even know what I'm talking about or if this is about you even. I just want to forget about you and move on but it's really hard you know? When you already invested alot of feelings and emotions to someone, it's not that easy to let go. Even if you did hurt me, sometimes it doesn't matter. 

And I realize, I don't really know you anymore. But why is it that someone like you, even only memories of you, have the power to torture my whole being and you're not even here?

Thoughts of you scare me.

What My Name Means

What Alphabet Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Pagsusumamo

sana'y ako'y iyong patawarin
kung minsan di ka napapansin
malayo man ang tanaw at isip
ang puso ko'y sa iyo pa rin

A poem obviously... I probably might continue this but I don't know when I'll get the poetic boost to inspire me to add something. But that's all in my head for now.

... but the first verse is good already... I don't know if I can write something better after that...

A pre-Valentine's thing for me. I dedicate this to whoever is reading this blog. 

Sex and what it should be like

I saw again the other night the "Somebody's Me" video of Enrique Iglesias... and I still say it's the hottest video I've ever seen. I get shivers down my spine everytime I see it on TV.

Yes, it shows sex. Not explicitly though... well... okay fine.. it shows the passion of sex. And in my mind, I think, "Yes, that's how it's supposed to be!!". The slow passionate sex is just really what most girls out there would like to have. The video showed how you make love... and that is different from your usual, casual sex.

I just love watching that video. All these fantasies... *sigh* ... it just gets to me. Imagining how it would be like...

Old Post: Why I Miss You

(I wrote this blog in 2006 and posted it in my Friendster site. I dedicated this to the little boy I shared a rather special four months with. Just want to share this to the rest of you who haven't seen this. And this blog was accompanied by a portrait with the same title)

stars. that must be it. i haven't seen them in a while. seeing them reminds me that ill be okay. one night i looked up and saw all those stars shining brightly in the sky. they were laughing; they were having fun. i decided to join them, maybe they can help ease this strange sadness. i flew up to them to join their fun. stars rarely play with others, but if they like you, they invite you over to play their little games. i found myself hiding behind moons and planets, running about starry nebulas, and playing tag with comets. i joined my starry little friends as they rolled about in laughter. before we knew it, play time was over. but before they sent me off, they presented a play of lights and I saw each of them flicker and sparkle into the night sky. stars are proud little creatures but i love playing with them.

i missed something... i forgot to ask them how you are.

there are no stars tonight. only a flat, gray sky that whispers a storm coming. i can feel the sadness echoing in me once again. i'll join the stars in their games next time. maybe if you see them, they'll come and play with you too. i'll talk to the moon at the moment. we've been telling stories lately, and he cradles me in the crescent. tell the stars i'll come and play with them again. and maybe, if you're not too busy, you could come and join us. we'll just have some fun, and enjoy the endless night sky.

What you want to hear, you hear from a song

Emo music. Thanks Mr. Josef Zafra for introducing me to those kinds of songs.

I remember you asked me if I want to listen instead to emo music when we were in your car. I told you of my problem then. But I wanted to listen to it somewhere else... maybe by a cliff while you park the car and we just sit under the star-filled sky, while drinking and throwing away cans of beer and smoking too.

Yeah... emo effect... we can make a music video out of that... then the finale would be me jumping over the clif.. oh well. Antipolo's far...

What you want to hear...if you tell people about something, they won't tell you what you want to hear. Only a song can give you that. It makes things clearer when you listen to songs. Inspirational, liturgical, rock, emo, love songs... all of it. They all tell you what you need to do. Plain and simple. And you can't tell a song off. It's made that way.

I'm listening to Tori Amos' s Sleeps With Butterflies. Who's the butterfly? I used to silently dedicate that song to someone I used to consider special (a few years ago...). But this song doesn't isn't for everyone I fell for. More of, it's for me. It's telling me not to hold on, not to wait. Well, not yet. Just let them go... let him find his place. And if you're lucky, he might return to you... let's hope it's not too late by then. But I'm the optimistic type. I always say, I'm still here if you need me (okay BOOM... there goes another song... Vertical Horizon's I'm Still Here).

I'll continue on listening to alot of songs... Maybe one of them has the answer on where I can find love... and give my self another chance to fall.

(Dad... I mentioned you kasi na-miss ko bigla ang Ybardo's time natin na tayo lang haha.. Emo's... :P)

Growing Up :)

Yes! I've come to realize that I finally grew up! Maybe not in all sense, but atleast I'm getting there.

How I managed my emotions, how I feel... for some reason I found myself getting over, moving on and letting go :) I didn't dwell on it for so long... Ateng said that I wasn't even sad at all. It's a good sign for me. It means I know now how to handle such situations. Yes, there maybe times where you just say something and all of a sudden all the emotions come rushing back again. But it's okay! Life's like that. You don't control everything, even how situations presents itself on you. You just learn... and GROW UP!

Well there are some frustrations (*wink wink* to my DH sister Jme) but then I know I should keep myself busy and just not focus on things that are distracting. It's not the be-all-end-all. It's just the sprinkle of sugar on top... and yes a piece of cherry too :)

(I am so full of metaphors...)

What do I do now? I tell stories about myself here. And I'm saying it's okay to grow up. Because you can't really get away from it. And everyone experiences a broken heart most of the time. But it's okay. Like I said, I'm now ready for another round of broken heart..

...but this time, Fate, please don't let my heart break so soon... :P

Letting Go

Don't try to keep on holding on to something you are not sure if they are worth keeping.

You can't hold on to someone who's ready to let you go. Sometimes, it's best to LET GO. Then just wait for the time (if there's any) till it comes back to you. Then that's the time you know it's worth keeping.

Yes, I can't keep you forever. Same that you can't keep on wishing that I hold on.

Geez. I suddenly remembered this song from Tori Amos:

You say the word

You know I will find you

Or if you need some time

I don't mind

I don't hold on

To the tail of your kite

I'm not like the girls that you've known

But I believe I'm worth coming home to

Kiss away night

This girl only sleeps with butterflies

With butterflies

Moving On

It's 2008. The year of the Rat. The year you're born in. They say not all people are lucky when it's their year. But it's okay. You make your own choices, follow your own beliefs, create your own road to being happy.

What's not good for me is how my year started. I cried when the year started. Does this mean that I will have to cry the whole year?

No. I can't accept that. It's pathetic and I don't think I would live long enough to cry for one whole year. Maybe the tears are just a prelude to something better. You have to feel sad first before you can laugh. A good friend said, what's there to do but MOVE ON? You can't just keep on hoping that your sad, sad heart will be heard by him and reach out to you. That's not how things are. Sometimes you just have to move on. Try and do the things you used to do.

Being heartbroken should never be the period in your life. That's why they invented elipsis... you get to have another chance to say something. So move on! There are more opportunities out there... you just have to keep on looking. :)

Getting Over

Maybe the time isn't NOW.

Most of your dreams and fantasies slowly crumble as soon as you hear the words "I don't think I'm ready..."

That's BS.. that's what it is... bullshit.

Not for the person but for you. Talk about time wasted.. You cry for a day, spend time talking to a good friend on-line, just letting it all go... In the comforts of your square room, only Ms. Kusanagi can understand why you're feeling this way.

But then you GET OVER it. You wipe the tears with a piece of Kleenex tissue and keep on working. Until you know you've forgotten already what happened.

Get over it. No use crying on something that is not or who is not worth crying about... Losing one person doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It's just a matter of time until they get replaced.

SEX (...oh and the City) moment

Talk about bonding. Starbucks is indeed a conducive place to discuss anything under the sun. Met up with my friends last night (a last minute thing) to share some good and bad news and share Christmas presents that's already expired under the Christmas tree for two weeks. It's been a long long time and I haven't talked to them in a while.

I love girl talk. You blab all you want and everyone has something to say or a story to tell. Getting ideas and "yes-you're-right's" from girlfriends makes you feel better with what you did or what's happening to your life right now. You don't mind the people around you or if its already late. You have to finish your story right then and there. Everyone gets the chance to talk, speak what's on your mind and just join the laughter and the "tsk tsk" moments.

I'm glad I have them... my girlfriends. Like what Jme said, "If I'm single, then so what? I still have you girls" :) Thanks sweetie :*

I wonder if boys have the same kind of bonding like us girls...?

First of January

My first blog for the year. And so far... I don't know if it's good. It's too early to tell if I'm all ready for 2008. Somehow in the deep pit of my stomach, there's this weird knot that needs to be loosened. I sure hope I figure out what's wrong.

I don't know exactly what to write. My mind's blank. So basically what's going to be here will be a bunch of jibberish. But this morning, I had this weird thought: If you could trade one memory, sad or happy, for something you really want, what would it be? Imagine getting something you want (anything!! person, memory, life, material?!?!) but you have to trade one memory for it... to lose it and never get the chance to get it back. It's one memory you have to sacrifice. I've been thinking what it is I would want to give up. Okay give me time to think what it is...

*azy thinking............. *










*still thinking...................................................*





















*okay.. giving up now......*









Okay I probably have no idea what it is I want to give up (if there's anything). But to be honest, I'm sure there would be something I want to have... but the question is, is it worth sacrificing for a memory? Who knows? We all have needs, and there are things you really can't have without paying big for it. And a memory can be given to someone else... someone who needs to feel that atleast something happened in their lives. Remember, you have to trade that one memory, and only one that you can't have it back anymore (obviously since you won't be able to remember it anyway). So think: What is it that you want, what is it you are willing to sacrifice for...

What is it you are willing to give your heart for?...

I told you this would be jibberish. But think about it... there's  that lurking question there...

On a side not, yes Zo, I got the idea from the new year's message you sent me. Don't worry, I won't trade any memory with you for anything.