Old Post: Nope. This isn't for you. It's for somebody else.

(Another old post I made in 2006. I won't be using my blog in Friendster anymore as I usually update my Multiply account more often. As much as I want to write a poem, I can't seem to find my muse. I am only able to write prose for the last couple of weeks.)

*sigh* how I wish you could look up somehow and see me smiling there in front of you. i guess you barely noticed me when i flew by.

i sometimes try and tickle you but all you ever felt was a feather touch by the wind. you smile but you didn't even think it was me.

you were gone the other day. and i waited by the station, hoping to see you there. but the trains come and go until the evening. i never saw a glimpse of you. and that made my day even more blue.

maybe my timing was wrong then. I saw you frowning by the table, quietly focused on the screen. i said hello and called out your name but you never bothered to look beside you and see me smiling there; encouraging you to work harder and whispering that everything will be okay.

i guess you were too busy to listen to my song. you just thought someone was playing a soft tune in their MP3 player. but that was me. humming to you a love song.

the night is beautiful and the moon gives a soft glow. i wanted to walk with you, tag along, eat maybe (if i could) but you had to go off. you didn't even wave goodbye.

such is my fate. watching you while i crouch beside your shadow, the only thing that know's im there. i only have a few days left to be with you and they're calling me back already. i just wish you could hear me when I whispered how much i care.

Twisted

Quiet room....

Light's off......

Phone's ringing.....

Table's a mess......

Somewhat dilly-dallying (this is SOOO bad..) .....

My head's spinning.....

Emo music playing in the background....

I'm going crazy here.....

Twisted... twisted... TWISTED

Y-O-U

It's no longer a secret. A few people know about it already; how I'm going crazy with these feelings about you. Someone said that I love you deeply, the others say it's just something I ate. Others warned me not to push it anymore, no matter how much I miss you. Someone even said that it's wrong.. that I shouldn't get ahead of myself. Valentine's day is just around the corner, so maybe that's why I thought of you.

I keep on wondering if you ever think of me. Maybe when times are quiet in the office, maybe when you pick up something that reminds you of me or maybe when you pass by a familiar place. I don't go there much anymore, maybe because I'm trying to steer clear of the invisible footprints that I sometimes find. But be honest, do you really think of me?

Remnants of the past... That's what it is. You can't get away from memories filled with passionate, unexplainable love. I liken memories of you to shattered vases... As much as I try to brush them away, crush them even, I bleed at every touch.

Whenever there are times I feel like taking a yosi-break, I sometimes wonder if you'll get affected with that. I had a blog before that says something about it. And so I tried smoking, but it's not a habit. You know me, I love to experiment. Wishing maybe that I'd see the answer in the smoke that I blow out. Hoping there would be a freaky miracle that will give me a simple answer. 

If that does happen, don't wonder anymore what I'm doing at your door. The smoke told me to be there.

Somehow, writing about you, I still get mixed feelings. The truth is, I don't want to talk about you anymore. But I find that you're the easiest topic. I wonder if you  talk about me with your friends? I wonder what you tell them...

I wake up every morning thinking "I should die today". Yes, it's all so confusing. Maybe you don't even know what I'm talking about or if this is about you even. I just want to forget about you and move on but it's really hard you know? When you already invested alot of feelings and emotions to someone, it's not that easy to let go. Even if you did hurt me, sometimes it doesn't matter. 

And I realize, I don't really know you anymore. But why is it that someone like you, even only memories of you, have the power to torture my whole being and you're not even here?

Thoughts of you scare me.

What My Name Means

What Alphabet Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Pagsusumamo

sana'y ako'y iyong patawarin
kung minsan di ka napapansin
malayo man ang tanaw at isip
ang puso ko'y sa iyo pa rin

A poem obviously... I probably might continue this but I don't know when I'll get the poetic boost to inspire me to add something. But that's all in my head for now.

... but the first verse is good already... I don't know if I can write something better after that...

A pre-Valentine's thing for me. I dedicate this to whoever is reading this blog. 

Sex and what it should be like

I saw again the other night the "Somebody's Me" video of Enrique Iglesias... and I still say it's the hottest video I've ever seen. I get shivers down my spine everytime I see it on TV.

Yes, it shows sex. Not explicitly though... well... okay fine.. it shows the passion of sex. And in my mind, I think, "Yes, that's how it's supposed to be!!". The slow passionate sex is just really what most girls out there would like to have. The video showed how you make love... and that is different from your usual, casual sex.

I just love watching that video. All these fantasies... *sigh* ... it just gets to me. Imagining how it would be like...

Old Post: Why I Miss You

(I wrote this blog in 2006 and posted it in my Friendster site. I dedicated this to the little boy I shared a rather special four months with. Just want to share this to the rest of you who haven't seen this. And this blog was accompanied by a portrait with the same title)

stars. that must be it. i haven't seen them in a while. seeing them reminds me that ill be okay. one night i looked up and saw all those stars shining brightly in the sky. they were laughing; they were having fun. i decided to join them, maybe they can help ease this strange sadness. i flew up to them to join their fun. stars rarely play with others, but if they like you, they invite you over to play their little games. i found myself hiding behind moons and planets, running about starry nebulas, and playing tag with comets. i joined my starry little friends as they rolled about in laughter. before we knew it, play time was over. but before they sent me off, they presented a play of lights and I saw each of them flicker and sparkle into the night sky. stars are proud little creatures but i love playing with them.

i missed something... i forgot to ask them how you are.

there are no stars tonight. only a flat, gray sky that whispers a storm coming. i can feel the sadness echoing in me once again. i'll join the stars in their games next time. maybe if you see them, they'll come and play with you too. i'll talk to the moon at the moment. we've been telling stories lately, and he cradles me in the crescent. tell the stars i'll come and play with them again. and maybe, if you're not too busy, you could come and join us. we'll just have some fun, and enjoy the endless night sky.

What you want to hear, you hear from a song

Emo music. Thanks Mr. Josef Zafra for introducing me to those kinds of songs.

I remember you asked me if I want to listen instead to emo music when we were in your car. I told you of my problem then. But I wanted to listen to it somewhere else... maybe by a cliff while you park the car and we just sit under the star-filled sky, while drinking and throwing away cans of beer and smoking too.

Yeah... emo effect... we can make a music video out of that... then the finale would be me jumping over the clif.. oh well. Antipolo's far...

What you want to hear...if you tell people about something, they won't tell you what you want to hear. Only a song can give you that. It makes things clearer when you listen to songs. Inspirational, liturgical, rock, emo, love songs... all of it. They all tell you what you need to do. Plain and simple. And you can't tell a song off. It's made that way.

I'm listening to Tori Amos' s Sleeps With Butterflies. Who's the butterfly? I used to silently dedicate that song to someone I used to consider special (a few years ago...). But this song doesn't isn't for everyone I fell for. More of, it's for me. It's telling me not to hold on, not to wait. Well, not yet. Just let them go... let him find his place. And if you're lucky, he might return to you... let's hope it's not too late by then. But I'm the optimistic type. I always say, I'm still here if you need me (okay BOOM... there goes another song... Vertical Horizon's I'm Still Here).

I'll continue on listening to alot of songs... Maybe one of them has the answer on where I can find love... and give my self another chance to fall.

(Dad... I mentioned you kasi na-miss ko bigla ang Ybardo's time natin na tayo lang haha.. Emo's... :P)

Growing Up :)

Yes! I've come to realize that I finally grew up! Maybe not in all sense, but atleast I'm getting there.

How I managed my emotions, how I feel... for some reason I found myself getting over, moving on and letting go :) I didn't dwell on it for so long... Ateng said that I wasn't even sad at all. It's a good sign for me. It means I know now how to handle such situations. Yes, there maybe times where you just say something and all of a sudden all the emotions come rushing back again. But it's okay! Life's like that. You don't control everything, even how situations presents itself on you. You just learn... and GROW UP!

Well there are some frustrations (*wink wink* to my DH sister Jme) but then I know I should keep myself busy and just not focus on things that are distracting. It's not the be-all-end-all. It's just the sprinkle of sugar on top... and yes a piece of cherry too :)

(I am so full of metaphors...)

What do I do now? I tell stories about myself here. And I'm saying it's okay to grow up. Because you can't really get away from it. And everyone experiences a broken heart most of the time. But it's okay. Like I said, I'm now ready for another round of broken heart..

...but this time, Fate, please don't let my heart break so soon... :P

Letting Go

Don't try to keep on holding on to something you are not sure if they are worth keeping.

You can't hold on to someone who's ready to let you go. Sometimes, it's best to LET GO. Then just wait for the time (if there's any) till it comes back to you. Then that's the time you know it's worth keeping.

Yes, I can't keep you forever. Same that you can't keep on wishing that I hold on.

Geez. I suddenly remembered this song from Tori Amos:

You say the word

You know I will find you

Or if you need some time

I don't mind

I don't hold on

To the tail of your kite

I'm not like the girls that you've known

But I believe I'm worth coming home to

Kiss away night

This girl only sleeps with butterflies

With butterflies

Moving On

It's 2008. The year of the Rat. The year you're born in. They say not all people are lucky when it's their year. But it's okay. You make your own choices, follow your own beliefs, create your own road to being happy.

What's not good for me is how my year started. I cried when the year started. Does this mean that I will have to cry the whole year?

No. I can't accept that. It's pathetic and I don't think I would live long enough to cry for one whole year. Maybe the tears are just a prelude to something better. You have to feel sad first before you can laugh. A good friend said, what's there to do but MOVE ON? You can't just keep on hoping that your sad, sad heart will be heard by him and reach out to you. That's not how things are. Sometimes you just have to move on. Try and do the things you used to do.

Being heartbroken should never be the period in your life. That's why they invented elipsis... you get to have another chance to say something. So move on! There are more opportunities out there... you just have to keep on looking. :)

Getting Over

Maybe the time isn't NOW.

Most of your dreams and fantasies slowly crumble as soon as you hear the words "I don't think I'm ready..."

That's BS.. that's what it is... bullshit.

Not for the person but for you. Talk about time wasted.. You cry for a day, spend time talking to a good friend on-line, just letting it all go... In the comforts of your square room, only Ms. Kusanagi can understand why you're feeling this way.

But then you GET OVER it. You wipe the tears with a piece of Kleenex tissue and keep on working. Until you know you've forgotten already what happened.

Get over it. No use crying on something that is not or who is not worth crying about... Losing one person doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It's just a matter of time until they get replaced.

SEX (...oh and the City) moment

Talk about bonding. Starbucks is indeed a conducive place to discuss anything under the sun. Met up with my friends last night (a last minute thing) to share some good and bad news and share Christmas presents that's already expired under the Christmas tree for two weeks. It's been a long long time and I haven't talked to them in a while.

I love girl talk. You blab all you want and everyone has something to say or a story to tell. Getting ideas and "yes-you're-right's" from girlfriends makes you feel better with what you did or what's happening to your life right now. You don't mind the people around you or if its already late. You have to finish your story right then and there. Everyone gets the chance to talk, speak what's on your mind and just join the laughter and the "tsk tsk" moments.

I'm glad I have them... my girlfriends. Like what Jme said, "If I'm single, then so what? I still have you girls" :) Thanks sweetie :*

I wonder if boys have the same kind of bonding like us girls...?

First of January

My first blog for the year. And so far... I don't know if it's good. It's too early to tell if I'm all ready for 2008. Somehow in the deep pit of my stomach, there's this weird knot that needs to be loosened. I sure hope I figure out what's wrong.

I don't know exactly what to write. My mind's blank. So basically what's going to be here will be a bunch of jibberish. But this morning, I had this weird thought: If you could trade one memory, sad or happy, for something you really want, what would it be? Imagine getting something you want (anything!! person, memory, life, material?!?!) but you have to trade one memory for it... to lose it and never get the chance to get it back. It's one memory you have to sacrifice. I've been thinking what it is I would want to give up. Okay give me time to think what it is...

*azy thinking............. *










*still thinking...................................................*





















*okay.. giving up now......*









Okay I probably have no idea what it is I want to give up (if there's anything). But to be honest, I'm sure there would be something I want to have... but the question is, is it worth sacrificing for a memory? Who knows? We all have needs, and there are things you really can't have without paying big for it. And a memory can be given to someone else... someone who needs to feel that atleast something happened in their lives. Remember, you have to trade that one memory, and only one that you can't have it back anymore (obviously since you won't be able to remember it anyway). So think: What is it that you want, what is it you are willing to sacrifice for...

What is it you are willing to give your heart for?...

I told you this would be jibberish. But think about it... there's  that lurking question there...

On a side not, yes Zo, I got the idea from the new year's message you sent me. Don't worry, I won't trade any memory with you for anything.