I miss receiving the text messages that makes me smile and laugh. I miss the hug at the end of a tiring day that makes me feel that everything is going to be okay. I miss the calls you make just to check on me. I miss the dinner date and drinks just to rant and rave about the day. .
I want that now...
January 26, 2011
January 24, 2011
Buhloo days
It's one of those blue days where you don't know what's wrong. You're just suddenly quiet and has a sad look in your eyes. But people around you don't see that. One person would ask you if you're okay and you'll say "yeah I'll be fine." but you know you're not. You want them to ask you more questions on what's bothering you.
You look out the window and find yourself alone again. The world outside is so vast and so alive but inside you, you're lifeless. Why can't you feel the energy that's going on outside? Why is it that everyone is thinking so big ideas that suddenly makes you feel so small and insignificant? Like there's no purpose.
But you know there is a purpose. There is a reason you're here. But you just let your self this chance for loneliness to seep in and embrace you in a gloom. You call it gloomy Monday, but the day is not important. You just feel gloomy, that's it.
Alone. Alone again. Playing with memories in your head, wishing that someone out there will just sweep you off your feet everytime you're feeling down. Where is the knight in shining armor when you need one? Who cares if he doesn't come on a white horse or his armor is all busted. What's important is that man will just be there to hold you and remind you how fascinating you can be even if you're in that lonely state. Because you are your true self that made him want to be with you. And he will try to take all those sad looks away. He'll keep you busy, distract you, cheer you on, make you laugh, hold you tight, make you feel like a child again. He'll be that person whom when he asks you if you're okay, you can finally tell him that you're not and he will take care of everything. No matter what it takes, he'll listen and make everything right for you even for a while. And you'll feel better and the "buhloo days" will be gone for now.
Next time it happens, he'll still be there just to make you smile.
Where is he? :(
You look out the window and find yourself alone again. The world outside is so vast and so alive but inside you, you're lifeless. Why can't you feel the energy that's going on outside? Why is it that everyone is thinking so big ideas that suddenly makes you feel so small and insignificant? Like there's no purpose.
But you know there is a purpose. There is a reason you're here. But you just let your self this chance for loneliness to seep in and embrace you in a gloom. You call it gloomy Monday, but the day is not important. You just feel gloomy, that's it.
Alone. Alone again. Playing with memories in your head, wishing that someone out there will just sweep you off your feet everytime you're feeling down. Where is the knight in shining armor when you need one? Who cares if he doesn't come on a white horse or his armor is all busted. What's important is that man will just be there to hold you and remind you how fascinating you can be even if you're in that lonely state. Because you are your true self that made him want to be with you. And he will try to take all those sad looks away. He'll keep you busy, distract you, cheer you on, make you laugh, hold you tight, make you feel like a child again. He'll be that person whom when he asks you if you're okay, you can finally tell him that you're not and he will take care of everything. No matter what it takes, he'll listen and make everything right for you even for a while. And you'll feel better and the "buhloo days" will be gone for now.
Next time it happens, he'll still be there just to make you smile.
Where is he? :(
January 23, 2011
While You Were Sleeping
"Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that YOU were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to?"
- Lucy (Sandra Bullock)
January 19, 2011
Baby Be Mine 2
Congratulations to my colleague who's pregnant now with her first baby!
I wonder if I'm going to be a mommy. I'm scared with this feeling that I might not get to that level, that really important part of a woman's life. I can't help but feel this sad twinge in my heart everytime I see a couple with their children. I envy my friends talking about their kids. I want to get married and be able to get to that future that I dream of. Right now though, it's so unclear.
Two more years... hopefully something that I want to happen will happen within those two years.
*sigh*
I wonder if I'm going to be a mommy. I'm scared with this feeling that I might not get to that level, that really important part of a woman's life. I can't help but feel this sad twinge in my heart everytime I see a couple with their children. I envy my friends talking about their kids. I want to get married and be able to get to that future that I dream of. Right now though, it's so unclear.
Two more years... hopefully something that I want to happen will happen within those two years.
*sigh*
January 13, 2011
Sweet Sadness
I no longer enjoy eating chocolates.
If before a pack of Hershey's Kisses is enough to shine upon my gloomy day, it's no longer the same. I bought 2 packs but I haven't touched it. My brother and my dad are the ones consuming the delightful sweet. They still seem to have it in them to enjoy such things.
I can't remember the last time I ate an actual piece of chocolate. My friend gave me a piece of Toblerone mini and I just took it home. Even if I feel like buying a Machiavelli chocolate, once I pass by the store, the excitement is gone (and to think I haven't even bought a single chocolate from Machiavelli Chocolatier. I heard it's exquisite). Royce chocolates usually excites me but I think it's no longer that fascinating to me. I remember a guy who once gave me a box of Royce chocolates. I miss the feeling of surprise of receiving it as well as the joy of receiving something like that from him.
Did I suddenly become health conscious? I know I got a little chubby but I still enjoy eating sweet stuff (except chocolates.) They said it's better not to deprive yourself with the sweet stuff. I still eat the usual cake or pies or pastries. But an actual piece of chocolate is different.
Chocolate is considered as an aphrodisiac and it gives you a sense of joy/excitement in it self and even the manner of eating it. When you open a box of chocolates, you let your fingers glide to each piece, feeling the smoothness, appreciating how it's presented and you wonder how each different piece will taste. You get excited as you put it in your mouth, and savor the sweetness. Then you'll feel a sense of happiness, just because it's chocolate.
My romance with chocolate has somewhat faded. I have been feeling down since the start of the year. I wonder what it is that's missing? And I wonder if the chocolate can still give me that loving feeling.
If before a pack of Hershey's Kisses is enough to shine upon my gloomy day, it's no longer the same. I bought 2 packs but I haven't touched it. My brother and my dad are the ones consuming the delightful sweet. They still seem to have it in them to enjoy such things.
I can't remember the last time I ate an actual piece of chocolate. My friend gave me a piece of Toblerone mini and I just took it home. Even if I feel like buying a Machiavelli chocolate, once I pass by the store, the excitement is gone (and to think I haven't even bought a single chocolate from Machiavelli Chocolatier. I heard it's exquisite). Royce chocolates usually excites me but I think it's no longer that fascinating to me. I remember a guy who once gave me a box of Royce chocolates. I miss the feeling of surprise of receiving it as well as the joy of receiving something like that from him.
Did I suddenly become health conscious? I know I got a little chubby but I still enjoy eating sweet stuff (except chocolates.) They said it's better not to deprive yourself with the sweet stuff. I still eat the usual cake or pies or pastries. But an actual piece of chocolate is different.
Chocolate is considered as an aphrodisiac and it gives you a sense of joy/excitement in it self and even the manner of eating it. When you open a box of chocolates, you let your fingers glide to each piece, feeling the smoothness, appreciating how it's presented and you wonder how each different piece will taste. You get excited as you put it in your mouth, and savor the sweetness. Then you'll feel a sense of happiness, just because it's chocolate.
My romance with chocolate has somewhat faded. I have been feeling down since the start of the year. I wonder what it is that's missing? And I wonder if the chocolate can still give me that loving feeling.
January 10, 2011
FB Quote
"This is the true measure of love: When we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will ever love in the same way after us”
- not sure where I found this but I posted this oh so long ago.
- not sure where I found this but I posted this oh so long ago.
Love what you do. Love who you're with.
“You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over the hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always gonna be placed in front of you. If you don't have that kind of feeling for what it is you're doing, you'll most probably stop at the first giant hurdle.”
January 7, 2011
Unspoken
Only the stars knew what I meant by that.
I want to say it but I'm not sure if it was the right moment. I tried to look for an answer but the darkness blurred your melancholy eyes. I guess this is it, this is where the crossroads took us. I turned to one path and the world has changed.
Is that the last time I'll stand on that sidewalk? Will I ever walk that hall again? My mind is filled with questions and it was my grim companion during the walk home.
Still I tried to think there's hope. That a silver lining is behind every dark cloud, that there is a sunrise after... well whatever those idiomatic expressions be. And maybe the future will work out for the better, and we'll both be better persons after this. After all, I chose to be happy and you... well, I'm still not sure what it is you wanted. I hope you find it though.
Don't take too long.
I want to say it but I'm not sure if it was the right moment. I tried to look for an answer but the darkness blurred your melancholy eyes. I guess this is it, this is where the crossroads took us. I turned to one path and the world has changed.
Is that the last time I'll stand on that sidewalk? Will I ever walk that hall again? My mind is filled with questions and it was my grim companion during the walk home.
Still I tried to think there's hope. That a silver lining is behind every dark cloud, that there is a sunrise after... well whatever those idiomatic expressions be. And maybe the future will work out for the better, and we'll both be better persons after this. After all, I chose to be happy and you... well, I'm still not sure what it is you wanted. I hope you find it though.
Don't take too long.
The Gospel today
"Lord if you are willing, you can cleanse me." Luke 5:12-16
Let go of the past hurt and move on. Believe that God will heal your pain and you will be blessed.
Let go of the past hurt and move on. Believe that God will heal your pain and you will be blessed.
January 3, 2011
"Love the One You're With" by Emily Giffin
"But maybe that's what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all."
I read this line from a book by Emily Giffin. And I remembered something close to that line that an old flame once told me: that love is not just a feeling but a choice. When you fall, that's the feeling, but when you finally accepted that you are in love, that's the choice. Love must also have acceptance. And with acceptance, it must have commitment. You can't just have love and be done with it like that. It must be nurtured, and it must grow. Not just the feeling but also the two people sharing it. Both must accept, and both must commit.
Now, are you ready for that commitment to love?
I read this line from a book by Emily Giffin. And I remembered something close to that line that an old flame once told me: that love is not just a feeling but a choice. When you fall, that's the feeling, but when you finally accepted that you are in love, that's the choice. Love must also have acceptance. And with acceptance, it must have commitment. You can't just have love and be done with it like that. It must be nurtured, and it must grow. Not just the feeling but also the two people sharing it. Both must accept, and both must commit.
Now, are you ready for that commitment to love?
Give thanks
... for the lessons learned in 2010
... for the love you felt from your family and friends.
... for the people you consider your mentors
... for the prayers that have been answered
... for the prayers that have not been answered because He's got something better in mind.
... for rekindling old friendships
... for new friends that will matter in the future.
... to the person who gave birth to you
... to the one who believes you can do it.
... that even if there were difficult times, you are still together.
... that you learned to take care of his heart by getting over him.
... for the tiny surprises in life.
... for the gift of song.
... to your brother who watched you cry when you get broken hearted and made you laugh just so you will forget the pain.
... for this family that you have now.
... for the cheers that you received from your peers
... that the plans you have for your life is turning out in a good direction.
... that your salary is enough for you
... that you managed to save some money in the bank.
... that you're finally building a career.
... that someone is keeping you safe from harm.
... that you just have enough.
... for support and advice of friends
... that your mother believes in what you can do.
... that you have something to share to others less fortunate.
... for His love got you through 2010 and will take you further in 2011.
... for the love you felt from your family and friends.
... for the people you consider your mentors
... for the prayers that have been answered
... for the prayers that have not been answered because He's got something better in mind.
... for rekindling old friendships
... for new friends that will matter in the future.
... to the person who gave birth to you
... to the one who believes you can do it.
... that even if there were difficult times, you are still together.
... that you learned to take care of his heart by getting over him.
... for the tiny surprises in life.
... for the gift of song.
... to your brother who watched you cry when you get broken hearted and made you laugh just so you will forget the pain.
... for this family that you have now.
... for the cheers that you received from your peers
... that the plans you have for your life is turning out in a good direction.
... that your salary is enough for you
... that you managed to save some money in the bank.
... that you're finally building a career.
... that someone is keeping you safe from harm.
... that you just have enough.
... for support and advice of friends
... that your mother believes in what you can do.
... that you have something to share to others less fortunate.
... for His love got you through 2010 and will take you further in 2011.
January 2, 2011
363 days to go
Mag-isa ka nanaman. Daig ka pa ni ate may ka-HHWW sa mall. Minsan hindi mo alam kung maasiwa ka o maiinggit. Onga naman, bat sila may kasama ikaw wala? Pati yung kahera sa sinehan nagtaka bat isa lang na ticket binili mo, eh horror nga ang ipapalabas. Sino naman kaya ang tatabihan mo kung natatakot ka? Kung naka-off lang siguro sya, dadamayan ka nya.
Sa loob ng sine, lahat sila may katabi. Ikaw lang wala. Sila merong kayakap pag nakakatakot yung ipapalabas, ikaw pilit nagiging matatag. Sila dyan may maiiyakan pag di na kaya ang nakikita, ikaw naka-akap na lang sa sarili kahit takot na takot na. Buti pa sila.
At maiisip mo, kelan ba ang huling beses na kasama mo syang manood? Nalimutan mo na.
Pagtapos ng sine, kainan naman. Ang sweet naman nila na tabihan ka, yun pala eh kukunin lang yung bakanteng upuan sa harap mo. "Miss may kasama ka ba?", sabay hila ng upuan na di man lang antayin ang sasabihin mo. May kasama ka nga ba? May hinihintay ka ba? Obvious namang wala. Wag mo nag ipagpilitan na may tatabi pa sa'yo.
Dati-rati gusto mong nagso-solo ka. Mahilig ka pa nga maglakad mag-isa. Pero ngayon syempre dapat iba na. Dapat may kasama ka na kahit maglakad lang sa mall. Meron kang date kahit san ka man pumunta. Pero di mo naman alam kung mahahagilap mo sya. Alam mo na agad ang sagot sa tanong mo kung gusto nyang lumabas. Wag ka nang umasa.
A-dos pa lang ng Enero, parang Biyernes Santo na ang mukha mo. Dinaig mo pa ang bilis ng paglipat ng kalendaryo. Bagong taon pa lang, parang gusto mo nang tapusin ulit ito. Di siguro maiiwasan ang paglulumbay na nadarama. Naiintindihan ko naman na iba na ang nararamdaman mo. Kakapasok pa lang ng taon, may kulang na. Pilit mo laging iniisip na ngayon lang ito, pero ilang beses na nga bang nagparaya ka? Ilang beses na bang naramdaman mong nag-iisa ka?
Andyan naman sila pero hindi naman sila yung taong gusto mong nagiisip sa'yo. Sagad na ang pasensya, pati ang ngiti mo. Wala nang natira para sa taong ito kundi isang simangot. Maya-maya lamang ay ramdam mo na ang init ng luhang pilit lumabas sa mga mata. Hindi na tama ito, hindi na tulad ng dati.
Sa bawat hakbang, napag-iisip, nagmumuni-muni. Sa sobrang lunkot, gusto mo nang humiga sa isang tabi. Gusto mo nang tawagan pero parang balewala rin. Hindi ikaw ang uunahin, hindi ikaw ang hinahanap. Lagi na lang ikaw ang nagpaparaya, ikaw ang unang gagawa ng hakbang. Pero tulad ng nasa-isip mo, pagod ka na. Sobra na ang binigay mo, naghahanap ka na ng sukli.
Titingin na lang sa orasan, uwian na pala. Kung noon ayaw mo pang umuwi, ngayon parang yun na lang ang dapat puntahan. Hindi ka pa ready sa pasukan, pero di mo na mahila ang mga minuto para lubusin ang natitirang bakasyon. Sa susunod na linggo ba ganito ulit tayo?
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