The gift I know I want

I can buy my own clothes and shoes. I can choose the accessories I want to use. I can eat where I want to, when I want to. I can travel to places I've never been to, even if I'm by myself. I can afford to buy any gadget that I like if I want to. 


I have everything that I want or need. But why do I feel like I can never be complete?


Presents has been wrapped and tucked underneath our Christmas tree. Lights flicker on our window and the Snow Man toy kept playing "Jingle Bell Rock." I still don't feel the warmth of Christmas.


I guess I've been to lonely; too emotional these days that I can't move anymore. 


I wish someone can make me laugh. Someone who will share with me interesting stories. Who can cuddle with me and tell me that they want to build their future with me. Who can kiss me so lovingly and passionately and hold me so tight that tears will fall from my eyes. Someone I can call "home." Someone who will make me believe in myself again and will be there to build my dreams together with me. Someone who will give me what I've lost this entire time. 


I don't want gifts wrapped in fancy paper and bows. All I want for Christmas is HOPE.

Hopeless

The feeling of hopelessness is looking down a flight stairs and imagining yourself falling.. and no one's there to catch you.


Sad. 

The lesson from the homily today

During mass this morning, the priest said to let go of all the negative things and be happy.


JUST. BE. HAPPY.


This season, remembering the birth of Jesus gives us a sense of hope. Hope that I need right now to move and do everything to make me happy.


I saw this picture and it's something I will always look at as a reminder on what I should do to save my heart and be happy.

Challenge

I've been taking care of other people's happiness, feelings that I neglect mine. I have been been forgiving and understanding for too long. 

This time around, I'm going to take care of my own happiness.  And if some people think theirs is more important: Screw you. 

I'm not going to let you bring me down.

"Do Something!"

"You see, in life, lots of people know what to do, but few people actually do

what they know. Knowing is not enough! You must take action." -- Anthony

Robbins

Time Limit

May mga pangyayari na masarap isipin at balik-balikan. Ngayong tinitingnan ko ang mga dating usapan at kwentuhan natin sa text o sa YM, nami-miss ko talaga ang mga panahong iyon na lumipas na. 


Ano kaya nangyari at biglang nagbago ang tadhana nating dalawa? Masyado ba kong nagparaya at umintindi sa mga nangyari sa atin na naging bato na ko? Bakit di na natin kayang ibalik ang dating tayo na masaya, may kilig,  may lambing, may pagma-mahalan, may planong magsama habang-buhay? 


Manhid na rin yata ako. Hindi na siguro ako yung nakilala mo nun. Napagod na rin kasi ako sa'yo. Nakaka-pagod magbigay ng effort sa isang tao na hindi rin naman ginagawan ng effort ang sarili nya. Bato na ako na parang kahit anong gawin nating dalawa sa isa't isa, parang wala na lang. Parang tropa na lang.. 


Tulala nanaman ako. Nakikitawa kasama mga kaibigan ko (at kaibigan mo). Pero di maalis sa isip ko kung ano na ang dapat nating gawin. Sabi mo kailangan mo ko, pero ano na ba nagawa mo para hindi ako mawala sa'yo?


Lahat ng bagay mag hangganan. Ganun din ang tao. Ganun ako. 


Pero sana ikaw na ang gumawa ng paraan para sa ating dalawa. Kasi hindi ko na kayang gumalaw pa. 


Nakaka-inis. Nakaka-iyak. 

Scary

Sometimes I scare myself. I can feel the rage trying to get out and wants to hurt someone (more specifically ME.). This happens during quiet moments when I remember scenes/images of things that made me angry and wasn't able to resolve it and I keep playing it over and over in my head. 


I was not myself this morning when I started punching the walls of the bathroom before I took a bath. Then when I saw that there was no blood, I "told" myself I'm going to have to cut using a blade in my room. I was alone at home when this happened. 


I know in myself I wanted to get hurt physically. Punching the walls was painful enough and then I wanted to cut my self. Scary.


Thankfully, my parents got home from church before I got out of the bathroom. My mom called out to me and it just seemed to snap me back and the thought of hurting myself was gone. I greeted my mom "Good morning." and said "I love you" back. 


Someone or something out there is looking out for me. Thank you.