Scary

Sometimes I scare myself. I can feel the rage trying to get out and wants to hurt someone (more specifically ME.). This happens during quiet moments when I remember scenes/images of things that made me angry and wasn't able to resolve it and I keep playing it over and over in my head. 


I was not myself this morning when I started punching the walls of the bathroom before I took a bath. Then when I saw that there was no blood, I "told" myself I'm going to have to cut using a blade in my room. I was alone at home when this happened. 


I know in myself I wanted to get hurt physically. Punching the walls was painful enough and then I wanted to cut my self. Scary.


Thankfully, my parents got home from church before I got out of the bathroom. My mom called out to me and it just seemed to snap me back and the thought of hurting myself was gone. I greeted my mom "Good morning." and said "I love you" back. 


Someone or something out there is looking out for me. Thank you.