To Market! To Market!

Come see the sights and smell the rawness of what you eat!

My mom takes me to the market with her when she can and it's been a while since I've been to the wet market. I observe things around me and I noticed some funny scenes that I want to share now as anecdotes.

One morning in the market, my mom thought of buying fish for lunch. While she was picking from a fresh catch, I saw a tank with a live fish in it. It's a huge one and it was just standing (for lack of a better word) there. Then I noticed he was looking at something. His eyes were different, well it looks like it was in shock (or maybe because they just have bulging eyes that seems to be always in shock). Anyway, I followed it's eye and saw that it was staring at this guy chopping off a fish... the exact same fish in the tank! Okay it is kind of morbid for the fish but it is funny. They should have just moved the tank somewhere else or not put the fish in there. I can't imagine what that fish is thinking at that moment. Poor thing..

Here's another one: we were just about to wrap up our market trip when my mom paused to check some pork. On the other side, there was the fish section and I saw men chopping off and cleaning off fish. What caught my attention was this short guy scratching his armpit inside his shirt. I continued watching him and it's been a quite a long scratch there. But what he did next was what made me want to slap his hand. After scratching his armpit, he cleaned his hand in a basin of water beside him and continued to chop the fish. What's even worse is that the other guy beside him dipped the knife he was using in that same basin! Yech! It's been a while I have seen something like that. Thankfully we didn't buy our fish from those guys. I sure hope they clean the fish very well...

Here's one from my brother. He went with my mom to the market to buy fish. Then my mom told him to wait for the fish they just bought. My brother watched the fish bonked in the head (to kill it. it was still alive when they saw it) and cleaned off its inside. When the lady gave the bag to my brother, he got a jolt when something in the bag jumped. My brother took the bag and found that the fish was still alive while the lady was skinning and cleaned it. My brother couldn't hold the bag well and he was already feeling sorry for the fish. My mom thought it was funny though.

Those are some stories I have from the market. It's kinda funny and you'll kinda feel sorry too for a while. Well it's a fact of life. Fish gotta swim and people gotta eat.

Pieces of ME

Last night was probably the quickest trip I had going home. Yes it still took me an hour to get home but I barely noticed it. I was too engrossed with thinking about the things that was discussed today that I had to piece everything in my mind together and assign them on what they will do:

- one part will be thinking about the events that I need to manage.
- one part will be going to the stores and make rounds.
- one ME is assigned to research on the internet on what is happening in the market.
- one part of ME will be worrying on what's happening with the business.
- one part of ME will decide what I should do with my life.
- one part of ME will be thinking and missing Mr. S (she'd be busy daydreaming)
- one part will be having a long meeting with the bosses.
- one part will be working on the chores in the office.
- one part will be crafting ideas on promos and events.
- one part of ME will be learning the tricks and trade of the industry.
- one part of ME will be reading about marketing and sales.
- one part will be surfing Facebook (she will update herself with what's happening with her friends)
- one part of ME is assigned to go out with High school friends.
- one part of ME will be reconnecting with college batch mates.
- one part of ME is going to be busy typing (I don't know what... maybe whatever the other ME's give her.)
- one part will be thinking of poems to write (she should be focused on this)
- one part is going to read the books that I bought recently (I've started reading only the first few pages... haven't gone past that..)
- one part of ME is going to lie down in bed and sleep as long as she can (I like her.)
- one part is going to update herself with the things happening around the world.
- one ME is going to wonder under the moon.
- one part of ME is going to keep on thinking (that's one heck of a long thought..)
- one part is going to handle the present relationship.
- one part is going to help the others make money.
- one part will be learning how to drive.
- one part will be writing blogs (like this one... haha)
- one part will answer emails related to work
- one part will answer emails related to everything else other than work (she has a bigger scope but less job)
- one part is going to worry about the health of everyone.
- one part of ME will be answering calls and text messages in general except work related (nothing specific as there are not much calls and texts made on other aspects)
- one part will be looking for a job (if she's not busy, she can help the others.)
- one part of me will be worrying about the Future.
- one part of me will think and plan the Future (so that the other ME won't be worrying so much.)
- one part of ME is the one praying (this is an important role).
- one part of ME will be saving money (she needs to do her job better... she'll be working closely with those who are working on the JOB)
- one part will check out fashion magazines and imagine which one will look good on us.
- one part is going to Travel (oooh! this is the part of me that I also like)
- one part will be fixing the photo album I have planned for so long to finish
- one part will keep track of the expenses (she's going to work closely too with the one who is saving the money... they should both be aligned at the same direction)
- one part will be taking care of the corporate sales in the business
- one part will be the one to carry things (I don't know yet what specifically.. I just need someone assigned to that job)
- one part will try to open herself up (she's getting a little shy)
- one part of ME is assigned to cry for the important reasons (She won't always be needed... but atleast she has something to do)
- one part will be doing exercises to keep everyone in shape.
- one part of ME will just do the planning of something.
- one part will be bonding with her childhood friend.
- one part will be keeping in touch with industry friends.
- one part is going to make new friends.
- one part will eat for everyone (of course... the rest has to eat too you know but they'd be too busy so I'm giving this one a special job.)
- one part of ME is going diving!
- one part of ME is going to manage the parts who are assigned on JOB related functions and will make sure they do their part.
- one part of ME is of course going to make sure she's still keeping in touch with our family.

Okay there are still alot of parts of ME that has been given a specific assignment.. I'm still thinking about it but for now, these are what's been in my head and must be executed by each and everyone. And you ask what is my primary function? Well to make sure these all be done of course!

Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson)

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

Pause at that Moment

I just realized that I am so good and so blessed with everything: family, career, money, friendship... except for matters of the HEART.

I guess you really can't be good at everything. God gave me alot except He missed out on helping me on that part. Looking back, there have been alot of complications when it comes to me and my relationships, which makes me question myself: did I really make that right decision?

Maybe this is one lesson I have to learn the hard way. I read old emails, scrolled back to old text messages (which still exists in my phone and some ended up on paper... I don't really want to forget), flipped through diaries and old notes (there are people who made a great impact in my life that I quote them and put them in a notebook. You're lucky you're one of them), and sifted through keepsakes and mementos.

Okay.. I think I've looked way, way back into my history of relationships.

Like everyone, I went through all of those levels: crushes, puppy loves, mutual understandings (or like what Zap used to say, malabong usapan), and more importantly, the actual love. I laughed, I cried, I giggled, I shared sentimental moments with the person, I've waited for hours, I whispered secrets, I looked up the sky with him, I held his hand, I kissed and hugged, I let my heart be thrown out of the window, I crashed and sank into a heartbreak, I stood up, brushed my weary ego and walked away. I enjoyed all of it, but of course there are alot of downsides. I guess I am more affected with the downsides of the stories.

I cannot say that I regret some of the things that have happened. In my defense, I made the best decision I could think of. But I just really find myself looking back and wondering what if I made a different decision? Funny isn't it? There are alot of "what if's" and B sides to a story... but you can't make two decisions at the same time just to check which one is best.

Relationships can be a challenge, and most of the time you really want to give up. But you still couldn't and wouldn't let go of that person unless you've squeezed out all the possibilities to fix that relationship with them. For this part of my life, I have to work twice as hard, think less and feel more... and I am still learning the steps. Wish me luck.

Pusong Papel

Hindi siguro ito ang huling beses na magsusulat ako tungkol sa'yo. Marami pang pagkakataon na maiisip ko ang masasayang alaala nating dalawa. Hindi siguro kagabi ang huling beses na iiyakan kita. Hindi ko siguro dapat sinabi sa'yo na sana makita mo yung taong magmamahal sa'yo ng lubos kasi alam ko na walang ibang makakagawa ng pagmamahal na ninais kong ipakita at aminin sa'yo kung hindi ako. Wala sigurong umaga na magigising ako at ikaw ang unang iisipin ko, tulad na rin na walang gabi na hindi kita papanaginipan. Maraming "siguro" at mga bakasakali pero ito ay tapos na lahat. Nagawa na ang hinaharap na pareho nating kinatatakutan na darating.

Tuluy-tuloy pa rin ang pag tupi ko sa papel na pera upang gawing puso. Yang ibinigay ko sa'yo, sigurado akong itatago mo dahil katulad kita, at alam kong hindi mo sisirain ang pangakong iyon na itatago mo yan at hindi gagamitin. Ikaw na lang siguro ang huling taong bibigyan ko nyan, ayoko nang masayang ang pera at oras ng pag gawa ng mga espesyal na bagay na tulad nyan. Pasensya, tiwala at pagmamahal ang nilalaan ko sa bawat tupi ng papel. At lagi kong pinagiisipan kung ibibigay ko ba yun sa taong gusto kong alayan ng puso ko. Oo, tama nga ang inisip mo na nasayo ang puso ko. Siguro di mo na talaga yan maibabalik sa akin, kahit ngayon na nag iba na ang landas natin pareho.

Pero sigurado pa rin ako na magkikita pa tayo. Sigurado pa rin ako na makikita ko ang ngiti mo. Sigurado pa rin ako na pagdating ng araw na yun, maaalala natin ang lahat ng ating pinagdaanan at mabibigyan na rin nang pagkakataon ang pag-ibig na inilaan sa isa't isa. At sigurado pa rin ako, pagdating ng araw na yun, hawak mo pa rin ang isang espesyal na alaalang iniwan ko sa'yo.

Hindi ko mamadaliin ang mga araw. Hahayaan ko lang muna na lumipas ang kaunting panahon. Hindi ko ipagdadasal na dumating na yun agad kungdi ipagdadasal ko na sana pagdating ng araw na iyon, handa na tayo pareho. Ayaw ko munang hanapin ka, ayaw ko na munang isipin na sobrang masakit ang pag lisan mo. Hahayaan ko munang dumaan ang panahon.

Pretend That I Don't Love You (Cooky Chua)

used to be you'd make me laugh and our laughter filled the world
through the years they seem like echoes from some other boy and some other girl
used to be you'd bring me flowers if i gave the time of day
through the years your love has wilted
it makes me want to say,

pretend that i don't love you
try not to play the part
of the educated-in-my-ways
domesticated heart
pretend you're out to win me over
let a smile provide the spark
pretend that i don't love you
and we'll make a brand new spark

used to be you'd stir my soul
like the musicals we'd see
through the years our life feels more
like the reruns on tv
used to be you'd bring me flowers
if i gave the time of day
through the years your love has wilted
it makes me want to say,

tear down the walls that keep us together
they're what keep us apart
burn down the boredom brought down by the familiar
freshen the love that runs through our hearts

Isang Tanong

Sabi nila gawan ko daw ng paraan ito. Sabi nila pagbigyan ko naman ang puso. Itigil ang pag iisip, pakinggan ang damdamin... kaya heto nakikinig na ako. Malay mo, ako na nga pala yung hinihintay mo. Malay ko, baka ikaw rin naman pala ang magpapabago sa isip ko. Malay natin kung san mapupunta tong daang tinahak natin.

Ang tanong ngayon, ano na nga ba tayo?

Slip of the Tongue

La la la la la la la la la... I started with that line Biff, and I finished the line from a song from the Swing Out Sisters. But then you noticed the slip but I couldn't finish nor could I answer your question after that. I guess because a chatroom is not the medium I wish to convey my true feelings (well this blog is an exception) but I want you to hear it from me, straight out from my lips, shyly looking at you and nervous in my manner of telling you that I love you.

Yes. You read it right. I love you.

I hope next time I would finally have the courage to tell you truthfully everything, and not just settle in my day dreams. I hope I'd get to see you again and I want you to see me smiling at you just the way you like it. I hope next time I won't hesistate anymore if you ask me that question again.

And I hope you will still have enough patience to wait...

Preserving Freedom and Democracy

I quote here a few lines taken from former President Cory Aquino's speech at the US Congress.

"Still we fought for honor and if only for honor, we shall pay. And yet, should we have to ring the payments from the sweat of our men’s faces and sink all the wealth piled by the bondsman’s two-hundred fifty years of unrequitted toil. Yet, to all Americans, as the leader to a proud and free people, I address this question, “Has there been a greater test of national commitment to the ideals you hold dear than that my people have gone through? You have spent many lives and much treasure to bring freedom to many lands that were reluctant to receive it. And here, you have a people who want it by themselves and need only the help to preserve it.”

Lucky

You've been an amazing person, a devout Catholic, a loving mother and a caring leader.
You're lucky with the color yellow and you carry it with you always.
You are lucky to have a husband who fought for freedom for the people.
You are lucky to have a nation support you when you overthrew a dictator.
You've made an impression not just to a small nation but to the whole world.
You are lucky to be loved by the Filipino people.
You are lucky that God gave you hardships He knows you can take.
You are lucky that people and history will still remember your legacy after you have gone.
You are lucky that you are finally able to rest after a long battle with cancer.
You are lucky right now that the man you love will finally be with you to meet you in Heaven's pearly gates.

How lucky we are to have someone like you to watch over us.

*for former president Cory Aquino. you will be missed. (Pres. Cory Aquino, 1933-2009)

Torture

Looking at the full moon and seeing your face on it... that is torture.
Sitting at the coffee place where we used to meet... that is torture.
Trying to find your face amongst a crowd of familiar faces.. that is torture.
Hoping to see you at an event and finds out that you wont be there.. that is torture.
Seeing a person we both admire and I remember you through his actions... that is torture.
Reading old messages and listening to a recorded voice.. that is torture.
Talking to the stars and asking them if they saw you... that is torture.
Reading the book that I lent you just because I remembered you... that is torture.
Hearing your friends say that you wont be coming back... that is torture.
Passing by your office and thinking where you are in there... that is torture.
Telling you goodbye when I really dont want to... that is torture.
Being with someone else and still thinking about you... that is torture.
Keeping my real feelings and emotions to my self.. that is torture.
Wanting to text you but a part of me stopped me to do so... that is torture.
Reading your blogs and feeling that warm feeling again inside because I know you meant everything... that is torture.
Writing a blog and an open letter to you knowing you won't read it at all... that is torture.

And finally, letting Fate hold everything the ties that bind us together and thinking that someday, we might still see each other and be together... is the worst torture I ever put myself in.