Pause at that Moment

I just realized that I am so good and so blessed with everything: family, career, money, friendship... except for matters of the HEART.

I guess you really can't be good at everything. God gave me alot except He missed out on helping me on that part. Looking back, there have been alot of complications when it comes to me and my relationships, which makes me question myself: did I really make that right decision?

Maybe this is one lesson I have to learn the hard way. I read old emails, scrolled back to old text messages (which still exists in my phone and some ended up on paper... I don't really want to forget), flipped through diaries and old notes (there are people who made a great impact in my life that I quote them and put them in a notebook. You're lucky you're one of them), and sifted through keepsakes and mementos.

Okay.. I think I've looked way, way back into my history of relationships.

Like everyone, I went through all of those levels: crushes, puppy loves, mutual understandings (or like what Zap used to say, malabong usapan), and more importantly, the actual love. I laughed, I cried, I giggled, I shared sentimental moments with the person, I've waited for hours, I whispered secrets, I looked up the sky with him, I held his hand, I kissed and hugged, I let my heart be thrown out of the window, I crashed and sank into a heartbreak, I stood up, brushed my weary ego and walked away. I enjoyed all of it, but of course there are alot of downsides. I guess I am more affected with the downsides of the stories.

I cannot say that I regret some of the things that have happened. In my defense, I made the best decision I could think of. But I just really find myself looking back and wondering what if I made a different decision? Funny isn't it? There are alot of "what if's" and B sides to a story... but you can't make two decisions at the same time just to check which one is best.

Relationships can be a challenge, and most of the time you really want to give up. But you still couldn't and wouldn't let go of that person unless you've squeezed out all the possibilities to fix that relationship with them. For this part of my life, I have to work twice as hard, think less and feel more... and I am still learning the steps. Wish me luck.