A Lesson We All Learn On Our Own

It took time but at least I made an effort to really move on. There maybe times that you want to talk to them, to check on how they're doing, still I did my best to not feel that warm feeling inside. That sudden rush of emotion that you want to tell that Ex. IT'S NOT REAL. They're just small remnants deep inside. You don't have to always succumb to that emotion, no matter how really nice and how good were the times you spent together. Yes it's true, they've wasted away... but what can you do?? The relationship is over, and you really have to move on. If you want new experiences, then you have to make one. You need to keep your heart and mind open to other ideas, other love around. You really can't keep rushing back to the ex, thinking there might still be a chance. No matter how long the relationship took, when it's over, it has to be over once you decide.

So you must decide now. Love will not wait for you to change your mind. There should be an effort on your part, and you should be decisive and firm. Yes we all want to be friends with them, but that will just happen on its own. You don't have to make it your point to be friends with them. You can be friends or acquaintances in time... it doesn't have to be now. Believe me, it'll come on its own. And it will be the time when you know you can be friends with them, with no emotions attached to it. That is how you define starting anew.

Do what you have to do to move on. But remember that it involves personal effort on your side and a decision that you want to move on. Alot of things can happen. Fate has such funny ways to make everything confusing for us. But don't jump into another relationship just to forget someone. Your excess emotional baggage will be brought into that relationship and just ruin it. Sometimes it works, sometimes  it don't.

You'll be fine and you're not alone. Everyone experiences this. Just remember that Love also plays tricks on everyone. You will still fall in love. You don't know it but you might be falling in love now. And the best thing is, it's better than the other one. It always is. You just have to work on it to be better. You and your partner both have. Don't forget to enjoy the crazy ride. It what makes the love blossom into something good.

Thus, this is getting over.... moving on.... letting go.... and growing up =)

The Great M.O.

Did you ever asked yourself if you have really moved on? Moved on from a previous relationship I mean. Were there signs? I'm sure there are alot of realizations. You've listened to dozens of songs that you think better explains your situation. Self help books are available in every library or bookstore you go to. There are also a lot of ways you want to forget someone and this includes lots of drinking, crying, date-date-and-date, suicide (okay that's just plain stupid). But tell me, how and when can you say that you have really moved on?

My ex ended our relationship (friendship even) in the most idiotic way possible (the idiot being him). The break-up was smooth sailing at first, of course we still talk sometimes. And I admit there are times that I would text him that there might still be a chance yadda yadda (but it was already the second term in the relationship.. so pfft...). But then he had to call me names and ruined all the 7 years of knowing each other as friends, partners and lovers... and it's all because of some stupid idea that happened in our relationship and I don't know where and how the effing hell he got it (really. stupid.). Grrr...

Okay... I'm cool now. It's all over and past is past. I'm looking forward to what's happening in the present and what's going to happen in the future. :)

Anyway, the post break-up was the worst kind of thing he ever did to me. And take note, it's POST. I can't believe he was still able to make me cry after I broke up with him months ago! But I'm strong and I have alot of friends I held on to during those times. And having them around made me feel better. So I put it all at the back burner, left it there and moved on.

... but have I really moved on..?

I guess I ask this question because I bumped into him the other night while I was going home after work. I was waiting at a corner street and someone snapped his fingers at me, turns out it was my ex. I wasn't at all surprised to see him there (since I know his office is near by, I'm just not sure where)... what I was surprised at is that he made a move to greet me. We both said "hi", smiled and asked each other what's been going on. It was a really short chat since we're both rushing to go home. I got in my cab and he walked away. And so my day ended with me seeing my ex after a long long time.

I'VE MOVED ON. How can I say that? Because there wasn't anything there at all. If before, I used to want to hug him and give him a quick kiss at the cheeks, it was different this time. It was just like meeting someone you know, waving at an acquaintance in the street and after sometime, you forget already who it was you saw. It's not that he's irrelevant, he just doesn't stick to my mind like before. I've forgiven him now for what he did to me, and it's all just a memory that I can laugh at when I bring it up in a chat.

"Anger is not the opposite of Love. It is Absence."

Maybe it's not all gone. But they're all just fleeting memory. Smiles, laughter, love and bonding, all stuck in photopaper and images, nothing more. I'm focusing myself on other things, meeting other people, enjoying my time being single but still looking for someone I can share and make memories with. So I guess I can say I'm all ready for a new love.

It'll come in time, I know =) But I'm just happy I've finally accepted these things and learned from the past. And so, this is moving on =)

Alay Lakad

Nilakad ko mula Espanya/Blumentritt hanggang dun sa bahay ko sa Alejos malapit sa Calamba. Kung alam nyo yung lugar na yun, sinasabi ko sa inyo, malayo sya. Pano naman kasi, ang galing nung sinakyan kong FX... di na daw sila aabot ng Mayon, kaya ayun, bumaba na lang ako sa Espanya/Blumentritt. Nung una naisip kong mag taxi... try ko rin mag tricycle. Ewan ko ba kung ano nakain ko at naisipan ko na lang mag lakad. Ayun, naka black dress ako at wedge shoes... isang babaeng parang nawawala sa Blumentritt at naglalakad. Ang dami na ngang lalaki yung nakatingin sa akin... pero keme... lakad pa rin kahit pawisan na. Along the way, nakita ko yung bahay nung dating kaklase ko nung gradeschool.. at nakita ko pa yung mommy nya! At nakilala pa ko!! :D Sa hitsura kong yun (naka dress at pawisan) aba eh nakilala pa ko?? Ang tagal ko na silang di nakita. Dun ko nalaman na yung kaklase kong yun, stewardess na pala. Swerte nga daw at nakaka travel yung anak nya. Kamustahan, chika, at praises.. etc.. Nakaka tuwa lang isipin na may makakasalubong pala ako na isang taong sobrang tagal ko nang di nakikita at di ko pa close yung pamilya. Nakaka miss lang..

Ayun.. ang mga exploits ko.. Pero masarap mag lakad. Kung pwede lang maglakad mula Makati hanggang bahay ko sa QC, gagawin ko (feeling ko malapit ko nang gawin...).

Bahala na kung ano mangyari. Aayusin ko muna bihis ko nun haha. Haay... ang nagagawa nga naman ng isang sawi... Este... isang pagod na sa trabaho... pinapagod pa lalo ang sarili :

Wala na ang Aposento!!

... pinalitan na ng Common's! Sheesh! :(

Ang tagal ko na palang di kumakain or umiinom dun.. Yung last na andun ako eh November pa. Ang sad naman. So many memories sa resto na yun.

Sa mga di nakaka-alam.. ang Aposento ay yung restaurant and bar na asa tapat ng Citibank Tower sa Valero. Masarap yung food dun. Lalo na yung paella nila.. Haay sayang.. Meron pa man din akong personal waiter dun na alam na agad ang order ko kada punta ko haha :P kaya laging malaki tip ko sa kanya.. ang pangalan nga pala nya eh Jeff. Basta... daming memories din sa Aposento. Dahil sa Aposento, ang daming nangyari... maraming masaya at marami ring hanggang ngayon ay pinag iisipan pa rin na alaala.

Oh well. Welcome Common's. Try ko rin sya next time. Pero I will always have Aposento in my heart :P

 

Searching Oscar

an excerpt from The Ballad of Reading Gaol by Oscar Wilde:

"Yet each man kills the thing he loves
  By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
  Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
  The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
  And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
  Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
  The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
  Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
  And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
  Yet each man does not die."

(currently searching for other written works by Oscar Wilde to add to my library :) )

Old Post: Putting the fire out

(Reposting a blog I wrote 2 years ago. you can see the drama oozing at every line. I wonder when will be the next time I can write something as good as this...)

i started a fire and now i have to end it. the pieces of my heart i picked up already but i can't seem to put them in place. i still dream of you, but i know they are just the remnants of the pieces i patched up. they are what's left and soon it will heal and be new again. that's what i'm waiting for. i pray it heals soon so that i would never have to endure the dreams, nay, the nightmares that leaves me crying at night. so that i wouldn't have to let all my thoughts go back to your memories again. i'm sorry if you think what this is is that i wanted to forget. i don't want to, but to let my heart be captured again by him who guides my heart even through the darkness, through the cold shadows, between living and death, i should be able to. he might not be here yet but he will come..soon.

we were once given a chance. something i think i did not plan. but here we are again, in between taking chances and losing it. i think we are both on our own roads. but please let me say this that what we had was something so magical and so unique that not even the gods had ever thought of creating. it must be so special that we need to have it for our own. still i thank you for that, from the deepest part of my soul.

you made me love you, i didn't want to do it. but i did. and i never thought soaring to the sky would be the best i ever did. i wish it would still be when he comes. i don't mind stepping on jagged rocks just to be with him. if that's what it takes, then it might be what i need to do. the pain and the wounds would not matter if at the end, i would have him, the only one. and he will come, someday.

to you to whom my heart burns, this is what i wanted. i will take care of the pieces left behind. i don't want to burn your whole memory. i still would want to catch a glimpse of you in some unexpected chances. i will not let you dissappear from me. you would still be you, locked deep in the depths of my emptiness. and im sure for a while i would still look for you. but i must try and endure it for him, who in my mind, has already given up the world of fantasy and make believe, just to have me in his arms.

adieu to you, my flame, the blazing light, the scattered embers... the fire burns me, but its for the best..

Waiting

You're taking too long but I don't mind. Waiting for you is a habit already. I'm trying to keep myself busy but still, it's okay. I don't mind waiting for you. But there are times I just can't understand what's taking you too long for you to be here, to decide which right words to say, to decide what you will do, to decide to move on or to let go. Still, I'm right here where you know I will be. Just waiting until I see you, to hear from you again, to touch you, to be close to you again.

Even when sometimes I find myself getting too tired (painful even) to wait, I still haven't moved from my place. I'm still right here. Waiting.

Boss

Sino nga ba yung dapat tawagin na boss? Bakit nga ba kita tinatawag na boss? Hindi naman talaga ikaw yung boss ko (di hamak namang mas maganda boss ko sa'yo hehe). Pero nakakatuwang isipin na nagagawa kitang tawagin na ganun.

Ba't nakakatuwa? Feeling ko sasabihin mo nanaman ang mean ko sa'yo :P

Hindi naman. Siguro sabihin nating "term of endearment" yun. Nirerespeto kita kaya boss at sir ang tawag ko sa'yo. Siguro yung manner na lang ng pag sabi nun yung isipin mo hehe. Kasi hindi kita pwedeng tawagin sa ibang pangalan na alam mo pag may ibang tao, kaya boss o sir na lang muna tawag ko sa'yo.

Pati ibang tao na impluwensyahan ko na na tawagin kang ganun. Napagkakatuwaan na lang sya kaya wag ka sanang magagalit. Love ka rin naman nila at I'm sure natutuwa din sila sa'yo. Pag lumalabas tayo feeling ko talaga I'm surrounded with "glory". Feeling ko ang special special ko naman at nakakasama ko si boss :)  Siguro, hindi lahat ng tao nafi-feel yun. Yung andyan ka at ikaw yung "boss" namin. Madalas pa ngang hinahanap ka nila pag wala ka sa lakad. Oo, nakakamiss pag wala si "boss" :)

Siguro next time na yun na tatawagin kita sa ibang pangalan mo or tawag ko sa'yo, pag na feel mo na. For now, ikaw muna si boss :)

(wag kang magagalit. di kita inaasar. wala pa lang akong ibang maisip na isulat na para sa'yo :) next time, may maiisip pa akong mas maganda.)

When you...

When you're alone in the office...

you have a tendency to dillydally.. to surf about unimportant things in the internet... you get some 5 minute shut-eye since you think no one will notice and no one's there to bother you. time seems so slow but you like being alone in the office: the door closed and lights off. you contemplate on your own.

When you miss someone...

you barely eat. and you don't even know why you're so bothered when you know he's just a call and chat away. but your day isn't complete when you don't miss him at all. his name comes out in a form of a sigh, and dusty window panes seems to be the best place to write down his name. and after all the thinking and sighing, you wonder if he misses you too.

When you like someone...

you have a tendency to dive into the feelings and think that it is love that you feel already. but it isn't. you still have to go through the all the levels: crush, infatuation, like then love. it ain't easy to like someone... because at the level of like, when something happens and things didn't turn out the way you had hoped, you become devastated and eventually, break your heart. so be careful when you like someone.

When you try to start a conversation...

you start to imagine what they'll say. you hope that they're as open-minded like you. during a conversation, you already try and think what their answer will be so that you'll be prepared to answer back. just like chess, you think ahead when you move.

When you write a blog...

you risk revealing yourself too much to people. especially when you go public with what you write. and when you write about someone, you risk revealing too much of what you feel.

When you're torn, lost or confused...

you can't find the answer in any books. sometimes you just have to look deep inside yourself and reflect why you feel lost (but you're the reason I'm lost).

I Like it Here

It's been seven months since I moved to SAP to assume the Marketing Assistant position. I was looking for other opportunities last year because I felt like I wasn't really moving and progressing in my career. I used to be the administrator for the APAC Consulting of Oracle for Australia. It was quite exciting at first but then the monotony started, some people you really can't get along with (and I don't know why they don't like me in the first place...), some language issues (ey mate!), and other things. I wanted to get back on track in Marketing since it is my first love and I enjoyed being the Marketing Assistant of Oracle for one and a half years (like what my friend Summer said, I have to get back into Marketing before it's too late.. sayang ang skills ko). You ask why I left that position? It's because of another opportunity that came and that was the administrator position (a regular position... what I've always wanted). But then, there are things that you really miss like the people and the events. I gave up all that just to have a regular (and might have been a secure) position.

The administrator position was offered to me and I gladly accepted it, thinking it is something new and I might learn more about the company. Then as I said, I wasn't enjoying as much as I thought (I wasn't the only one who noticed... even the HR Director and the Sales people saw that... gosh I miss them). One thing is clear, I wasn't looking around SAP for an opportunity, SAP found me (HAH!). I actually couldn't believe it when they contacted me and offered me the Marketing Assistant position! I was even torn during the interview since all our regional managers in Consulting APAC was there and it was a nerve wracking experience, trying to keep to yourself that a competitor company has set its eyes on you! It took me only a few days to decide (since the position was urgent.. they need me already for the Summit and it was only a week after my interview!!). I consulted my boss and asked permission. I actually didn't get a straight answer from her. She wanted me to talk to my former Marketing boss in Oracle before I decide if I want to leave or not (eyng?). Thus, during the despedida for one of my Sales colleagues, I talked to her. She didn't gave me a straight answer either, but she did give me some thoughts that I should ponder on. Little did my friends at the despedida know that they're actually saying goodbye to 2 people (I was un-officially leaving yet hehe).

I made up my mind during the weekend. Couldn't even sleep well. And come Monday, I rushed in to my boss' room, closed the door and talked to her. After a gruelling 20minutes inside, I came out feeling alive and renewed. I sat down on my chair and told my cubicle mates what happened. Even they were shocked that I was leaving (I never told anyone of my plans, except for one really close friend). As per HR, once I submit my resignation letter, I have to leave the premises immediately (i.e. they're going to kick me out before I even get the chance to learn more about the company :P). I did that the following day since I still need to finish my reports for my dear Australian colleagues (no sarcasm).

Turn over was smooth since I was very organized with all my files and folders *pat on the back*. Not to mention the people I left my work with was good friends and cubicle mates (so sorry I had to leave so sudden :( I know how hard it was when I left... I'm glad I was still able to help at some point even after I left :P). Everyone was shocked at my decision, and the fact that I was leaving that day already. Friends, bosses, colleagues came by to ask what happened, where I was going, etc.. I just had to explain to everyone and say good bye to everyone properly (even to my Aussie fellows). I was even given another offer and position just so I would stay (sorry Ryan, but I can't wait long :( ). Still, I know I had to leave. I went to friends places, my former boss, colleagues, and said good bye. I passed by all the familair places (stockroom, pantry... basically that's it) and felt a little teary eyed since Oracle has been my first home, first job opportunity, first family, and I learned alot from them. I waved goodbye to our guard that night, but he was too busy with the phones. He barely noticed me enter the elevator, carrying all my stuff and said my final goodbye.

Flattered, sad, and happy... mixed emotions/feelings. I can't quite describe what I felt that night. All I ever thought was I had to prepare for the SAP Summit. Being with them for seven months taught me alot of things and I'm happy I'm learning more. I'm just really happy to be here (the weight gain is a proof... sheesh..). A new family, a new set of friends, new mentors, new chance to learn and to grow. "No regrets" like what my friend told me. And so, I just want to say I'm happy, and thank you... and here's a toast to the future for both companies and for me, whatever it will be, I'll still happy =)

Lost

Lost...

What she said when she couldn't find the keys to her car.

Lost...

When she's having a hard time reading through all the Biology books for her finals exam.

Lost...

The child never thought of asking for directions. His parents left him behind.

Lost...

She doesn't know if her boyfriend still loves her or not.

Lost...

When he doesn't know what will happen to him in another country when he moves there.

Lost...

When they tried searching for the file she kept with her but couldn't find it in her things.

Lost...

When her friends won't try and understand her situation.

Lost...

When a friend suddenly stopped going to work and haven't been in touch ever since.

Lost...

Because I don't know if all the things you said to me were even true.

Lost...

When a prayer has not been answered...

Lost...

Whether to decide if she should still love him, or go to the new love that she found.

Lost...

When a person's insecurities gets in the way...

Lost...

When he said he didn't know how to apologize for what he did to her.

Lost...

When an old love came to help mend her broken heart.

Lost...

Because I don't know which one is painful: me losing you because you love someone else.. or you losing me because I found someone else?

Lost...

When you said you don't know which path to take.

Lost...

Because I don't know if you're worth the wait...