The case of the un-missing cellphone case (part 2)

...it's gone...

Lost it last Friday during a swimming party. I know I still have it with me before we left the pool. But I guess during the rush of going back to Zap's house, I don't know who has my phone and the case. Well, I have my phone with me now but the red, velvet cellphone case is gone. Probably one the guys have it, I just don't know which one of them.

Am I looking for it? Yes I guess because now my phone doesn't have a case. A bother to buy a new one (okay that's pathetic). Well, it's mine... and... well... he gave it to me.. and..augh.. enough.

Wherever it is, or whoever has it... that cellphone case used to be mine.

Adieu to you, cellphone case... and the memories that you took with you...

To My Muse

Where are you now? One second, I was writing with all my heart. All emotions spilling out on paper but then suddenly, you’re gone. The ink in my pen has dried out and no words are forming in my mind.

Why did you have to leave me when I’m already at the highest point in my life? Happiness is overflowing in me and I couldn’t contain it. But once you’re gone, I couldn’t even smile. Everyone kept on asking why I was looking so blue. My laughter seemed so fake and my eyes always looking at a distance. Why do you come only when I am so full of love, and then disappear when my heart is broken? The songs I listen to right now are meaningless. I usually get my ideas on what to write from all those songs but I can’t hear the melody anymore. You just had to take the music with you. Did you really have to take all my happiness with you? It’s not fair that you had to take it all. I need to express my self somehow… to someone, anyone. I don’t know how to go on with my stories without you there beside me.

When will you come back? Tomorrow? Next week? At the forth night? Mind you, my dear muse, I don’t think I’ll fall in love again that easily. I am not even healed from this current heartache. I thought I could share with you my thoughts on this but you slipped away so silently, I didn’t even hear the door of my mind creak. I guess this is what I get from getting too close to you. They say you shouldn’t get too close with your muse, they’re only there to inspire and they’re not a shoulder to cry on. Did I hurt you in anyway? Didn’t I listen to what you always tell me? I’m saying all this because I know I couldn’t live without you there. I’ve finally admitted that to myself. You’re just too damn special to me.

Please come back. I just couldn’t write prose or poetry without you filling my mind with the most expressive words. I need to hear you whisper to me all the feelings and emotions we share for me to put it all on paper. When you read this please don’t think I found a new inspiration. This is what I have left of you. Tomorrow, I think I won’t be able to write anymore. You are my inspiration.

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Someday, someday

"sometimes no matter how much you love someone, that person cant just love you back the same way. And being with the person who doesn't love you back is way lonelier than being alone" (Grey's Anatomy)

This is for you, Mahal. :)

I remembered the talk we had before I left. And obviously we're both bitter with that quote. Atleast you're happy with who you're with now. Right now, I'm still bitter and it's okay if you scream it infront of me and you're laughing at the idea in my face. I miss seeing you laugh.

You don't know how lonely I am right now. I thought I'd be okay but I guess I really wasn't. It's still hard to accept. Yes maybe you have no idea what I'm telling you but I'll be glad to treat you to a bottle of beer as we talk about it. Talking about heartaches for me is alot better when you talk about it with a cold bottle in your hand. Okay, okay enough with the idea of drinking.. I'm still not yet sober from the drinking session I had the other day.

Back to my bitterness. Just so you know, I now understand how that kid felt when we said goodbye to each other. I can truly sympathize with him. I'd say it here but then this blog wouldn't be enough to tell you everything that has happened to me in the past few months.  I'm bitter and I'm hurting but I still say I'll be fine. Standard answer all the time. I can understand now why he doesn't want to be friends anymore, so I'm about to face that truth. However, I'm a hopeless romantic and there's still that tiny string of hope in my shattered heart. Hopefully that string will sow it back together.

I can truly relate to that quote. And we both agreed on the idea that it hurts most to love someone who doesn't love you back. You actually amaze me, the way you handle yourself in these kinds of situations. You're so strong and I admire that in you. I hope I could find that kind of strength as well.

I remember some lines from a song: Someday, someone's gonna take your place...One day i'll forget about you...You'll see, i won't even miss you...Someday, someday. Yeah someday I might be able to move on. And be happy. And I won't have to say that I'm fine anymore because being happy sounds better. Tell me you can relate to that song as well ;) I'm sure you do so don't deny it. I remember the both of us singing that song a long time ago. Yes someday we'll find that one we dream :)

Well, Mahal, this open letter is just for you because I miss you. I hope I could bump into you again. Stay sweet, loving, and adorable for me. See you around.

A forgotten poem

i found myself
whispering your name
in the middle of my
busy day
computers remind me
of you, i suppose.
i shiver at a fantasy
but then my cubicle
is cold
and only you being there
makes it warm enough
to be in.


---Found this in my files.. I forgot already when I made this.. I think this still needs a bit of tweaking but the main idea is already there.. I'll just change it once I find the inspiration to write again. Di ko na sasabihin yung title, too private :P

I bet you think this blog is about you

not a distraction but an inspiration. that's what she said. mild's a great girl, a sister to me infact. yeah i think she's right. i wanted to be distracted from the thoughts about my ex; me missing him so much, what we used to talk about, his comforting hugs and passionate kisses. yes, i used to have that but now i've decided to break up with him because i felt that i fell out of love for him.

falling out of love is really easy. all of a sudden you just dont feel that you love that person anymore. the hard part is when you have to face the truth that you already fell out of it and you have to tell the other person. i cried a tear (yes a tear only) when my ex and i broke up, but then a cascade of tears followed days after we did. i guess it got to me just after that. i thought i would be strong enough to face the world i used to not notice when i was with him, all alone and brave. but reality rears its head around the corner and tells me that i need someone to help me along the way. yes i miss my ex and i still love him even though i did fell out of love. its not the love anymore, its about growing up.

i grew up and found myself growing with other people and not with him: my partner, my best friend, my sweet love, the first and only as i used to think. there was a mistake somewhere in the calculation that both of us should grow together and inspire each other but it didn't sum up like that. its either i grew up (in maturity and experience) way ahead and he's just about to face that part or the other way around. i really don't know but it became blurred somehow.

yes an inspiration instead of a distraction. i remember during the first time my ex and i broke up, someone was there to catch me. there was the carlo and he was sweet. we had mutual feelings for each other but we didn't go far from that. my being sad and lonely and brooding over being alone is maybe because no one is here to catch me. no one is here to distract me and inspire me at the same time to be better. i wanted to be inspired, and this blog is not enough to say that I am though good thoughts are swimming inside my head. you don't get inspired just like that. I dont know how other people find themselves inspired and wanting to be better for the other person. i guess you just dont notice it until people tell you you've changed.

i used to be inspired when i was still together with that someone. now, i can't find my inspiration. we all know its just there but inspiration is not part of a game where you grab it in mid-air. it just happens. and im out to look for that inspiration, whatever or whoever he is. i'll never know when it'll happen but im sure it's just right there.

Evil... evil... evil... (short)

I dont want to see the good in people. I want to see the evil in every person, the wicked side of human nature. with that knowledge in hand, i would know how to get on their good side. for evil cannot exist without goodness. they compliment each other, they exist for each other.

Sunlit Garden

She asked you to play the serenade that reminds her of a garden in England. How it would look like if the garden were a song. And you stood and obliged, walking towards the grand piano at the center of the room. As a gentleman, the favor of a lady should never be turned down. I only looked on, busy keeping my dress neat. But I stopped and looked at you when I heard your fingers glide on the white and black keys.

I never thought you could play so beautifully. You seemed to glow like an angel by the piano. I blushed at the thought, trying hard to shake away the daydreams.

But this song is familiar... you taught this to me once by the rose garden...

"Go on.. you know how the music goes." the countess whispered in my ear. She handed me the violin. I looked at her and saw the secret in her eyes. They tell me that I should be standing there with you.

I thumbed the strings with care and I let the bow glide. I played with my heart, the song that reminded me of blue skies and the sun casting a shimmer over green fields and roses in bloom. Reminiscing the time you held my hand as you taught me your favorite song, which now is my favorite as well. The moment we stopped and looked at each other; and only the birds and the flowers knew that something else, something greater, blossomed on that field that day.

It was just you and me there. The piano and the violin's melody blending together. Our hearts playing as one. And I saw that in your eyes when you looked up to me. You never took away your gaze and so did I. Both of us continued playing, serenading each other; expressing our emotions through music. We finished our song and time somehow stood still. Our melody floated in the air, and everyone was quiet. Glorious claps followed soon after you stood up. You took my hand and gave me a sweet kiss. I returned it with the sweetest smile that only you deserve. You never let go of my hand that night... and you never did.

This wasn't a dream.. it was for real..

The countess looked on,  with a smile on her lips.

Our Story

my childhood has always been happy and normal. playing with friends at home or with my brother and our toys always makes me happy. but there's one thing that made my childhood really special.. and it's because of you :)

i remember the children's parties that our families both attend. we play together but don't talk much (well you don't :P you were always so quiet) but we have fun during the games. there's also the office outing in Laguna and i remember all us kids playing tricks on each other (i think we locked my brother in the room then and he couldn't get out haha). i also remember going to your house and we'd play in your room with your cousins (you have this dartboard  in your room then and we'd eat jellybeans of various flavors).

but childhood was short... and we didn't see each other for 9 years... long,  long  years and i've been thinking whatever happened to you.. and i wondered if you ever thought of me too..

who would've thought that your sister would be turning 18 so soon. and our family's invited to the party. i thought "hey.. i wonder what he looks like now.." and continued on thinking until we saw each other that night. it's vague but i remember you walking up to me and my brother inviting us to write a note on your sister's frame. and i remember your dad asking if i want to dance with you. i guess i couldn't answer then.. and i remember walking beside my parents to our car. i wasn't able to dance with you that night, but i would've if we stayed. we never talked, but it could've been nice if we did.

four years have passed.. and it's my turn to be 18. and i couldn't contain myself from the excitement for my party. and then you showed up, handsomely in a suit and tie of course. but that wasn't the highlight that night. it was when our turn to dance for the traditional 18 roses. for me time slowed down at that moment you took my hand and we danced. it was sweet, and very memorable. you made my birthday extra special that night.

maybe fate was being nice to me.. you asked me to be your date for your prom. i remember not saying yes immediately when you asked me. and you excitedly called me up as soon as I said yes :) the prom night was magical, another memorable moment. i finally met your friends and we had our picture together. the best part is yet to come, and i had a chance to dance with you again. i can still remember the songs being played while we danced.. and we both smiled at each other. but the night has to end... and we shared one last dance before you took me home.

*sigh* yep i could still remember every detail of those times. and i love telling our story. it hasn't ended yet, there are still more memories to create. i'm glad we get to talk to each other again, after a few years. maybe we could catch up sometime, and share more stories of each other.

it's raining again...but i don't need the rain to remind me of you :)

*for Rain*

The case of the un-missing cellphone case

I have a cellphone case. It's a red velcet case with black pull out strings. I got it from a friend I used to consider really, really special to me (now I wish him dead.. just kidding). That cellphone case hase been with me for a year already. It was quite a surprise when he gave it to me because he has the exact same thing. He tool my other cellphone case (it was blue... forgot where I got it) and replaced it with the red one like  his. He said he got it for me because he wanted to share something with me. I thought it was kind of sweet really. It's like "aww.. they both have the same cellphone case.." something people would say when we're together. Now I no longer see that friend of mine. I have no idea where he is, who he is right now, or what he's doing. And I don't think I seem to care anymore. But the cellphone case is still with me. I kept it even after we stopped talking to each other. The cellphone case isn't the only item I have that reminds me of him. I still have a few things I lost somewhere at home. But of course, my cellphone is what I always have with me, and the red case would also go with it.

I never really saw it as something that reminds me of that guy. It is what it is, just a cellphone case. But why did I say it's unmissing? Because everytime that I think I've seemed to have lost my cellphone case, I am still able to get it back. For some reason, I find it at someone's table, by the corner on the floor (I always lose it that way), or  someone found it for me. It finds its way back to me for some reason. It happened before when I thought I finally lost it for good, I thought "well, there gose my remembrance from carlo.." I heave a sigh and move on. Okay, maybe it does remind me of him. It's like it screams his name to me. But there are no more memories of him... well there maybe some but I barely think about it. Right now when I think about him, it's just... blank.  Yeah I guess I've moved on but the cellphone case is still with me.

I've lost the guy and the feeling... but I wonder if I'll ever lose the cellphone case.