Quarter Life

My brother and I were talking about childhood memories when he suddenly stopped and asked how old he is. And he remembered that he's turning 27 in September. He gave a nervous laugh and told me how he'd wish that he's only just turning 26 this year. He thought out loud what he still hasn't done in his life. I asked my self the same question.

I'm only 25 now and I'm still not sure what I have done so far. I'm proud to say I've worked with 2 major IT companies in the world as their Marketing person and I'm forging my career in Marketing and Events. But that's it. That's one thing I can say I've done. Forging a career still takes time and experience. I've realized now I don't have much money on my hands (I only have a sum of money in the bank for the "in case of rainy days."), but I do have an insurance. I've saved somehow but there's still this question of what else have I done.

My initial plan is that I will settle down by the age of 26, because by then, I would have established a career (the Marketing and Events career I'm still working on but at least I know I already have a career to focus on). I should be married between ages 26 to 28, have kids by the time I'm 30 (I wanted to have 4 kids). Have a business by 45 (coffee shop, restaurant or an internet/gaming shop) and retire at the age of 58.

Wow. I've had it all planned in my head already but my plans are changing quite slowly as I've matured. When I was working with Oracle, I was inspired by my then Marketing boss. I thought I shouldn't be thinking too much of having a family soon as having a career takes time and you have to make it grow. I should also give my self a chance to explore the world, to travel and get my own place. Thus I told myself I will wait till I'm 40. Big change isn't it? What about the kids I have planned? Well I can put them on hold. Career comes first, I thought back then.

But this time, my ideas changed once again. I know I'm nearing 26, my initial mark to settle down, but I kept thinking whether I should settle down or not. I have a dream wedding in mind that composes only of a maximum of 100 people (both friends and family of the bride and groom together) and it will be very simple. I don't want the big parties, I just want an intimate gathering. Anyway I looked at my "piggy bank" (a makeshift coin bank made of a 5 liter plastic bottle) and realized I'm still not through filling it up. I told myself back in college that once I've filled up the whole plastic bottle, then that means I'm finally ready to get married. As I can see now, I don't think it will reach up to the brim anytime soon.

My ideas on kids have also changed. I said I wanted to have 4, now I'm only thinking of one (okay, 2 max). Sooner or later, I won't be thinking of any kids running around in my life.

Why this sudden change of heart? I don't really know. Maybe this is my version of quarter life crisis. I'm torn between staying single for the rest of my life and being married, settling down and having 4 kids. Right now, I'm dreaming of having my own apartment and my own car. My life will be quiet: full of work but still some side of gimiks and dating. I don't know if I'm scared that I won't be able to get married at all (seems most of my friends are having the same issue, we just don't talk about it) or I'm too unprepared for my own future. It was so easy to plan ahead, but when you're nearing this "mark" (the age 26-28 thing) it gets to me that I don't want to reach that level yet. Or if I do reach that level, I might get disappointed that I haven't achieved anything.

My brother and I are sharing the same concern. It's the feeling that you're getting old and you'll be alone. I've been thinking of distancing my self from the people I know but not having any friends to turn to seems so sad.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do with my life. I'm in the quarter life crisis. I need help.